Sunday, April 27, 2014

An Open Love Letter To Diaper Wipes


Dear Diaper Wipes,
You had me at Sensitive, but I really didn’t know how much I would grow to depend on you. No one talks about just how many tasks you perform. Since everyone and their mother has taken to writing open letters to everyone they come into contact with, ever – I figured why reserve them for living, breathing, entities? You deserve some appreciation, too. Since you aren’t blessed with the gift of hearing and speech like every other person who “receives” these Internet letters and actually talking to you is pointless – I figured, why not? Why not let the world know about my devotion? My dedication? To diaper wipes.
See, no one ever told me about all of your functionality. I am assuming this is because if anyone ever really admitted to all the things they used you for, they would be called a disgusting pig and everyone would wonder why they don’t have sponges, towels, and windex stocked with some regularity in their homes. These people are simpletons. Ignore them.
The first time I used you to give my infant a quick bath before my mother came over, my heart almost overflowed. She was sparkling she was so clean – hence enabling my ability to hide what a crap multi-tasker I am. After I gave her a once-over – I quickly jetted off to the kitchen where I wiped my counters and the surface of my microwave! You do everything. My entire house is cloaked in the secrecy of what your perfectly dampened sheets provide – a quick clean-up of any surface. Any time. At a moment’s notice.


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