Friday, January 25, 2013

Okay Gwyneth, You Win. You Have The Coolest Life - Part II

I feel like crap today, so naturally I followed the link in my inbox to my favorite blog, GOOP. And by favorite I mean, the one that makes me want to jam a lit match into my eye. Maybe you've heard of it? It's the brainchild of Gwyneth Paltrow and, like, every expert about anything on the planet. She knows everyone and has the best life ever, and every few months she updates us all on how fabulous it is to be her and recommends we buy shit we can't afford. It's so bad it's kinda good. Well, it's good for a day like to day when I want to curse someone out but not lose any friends. Naturally, Gwyneth will bear the brunt of my wrath. It makes sense to me.

Madonna is her BFF. Don't you forget it.

You see, there are two kinds of people in this world - the haves and the have nots. The have nots get to make fun of the haves, relentlessly. It's because the haves have everything and are completely unaffected by our opinions and snark. I don't make the rules - I just follow them when they suit me. And today, they totally suit me. So back to Gwyneth, and why she is the most mother-fucking annoying person on the planet.

There's this, for one:


New Year's Eve, 2012. She has her whole brood on stage at Barclay's Center in Brooklyn. Jay-Z and her husband are performing - and Gwyneth is dancing on stage, holding a glass of champagne. The look on her face says, "Yes, everyone. This is my life. I'm sipping champagne on the stage that is driving the rent in your neighborhood THROUGH THE MOTHER F-ING ROOF, Y'ALL! JIGGA WHAT?"

Ugh.

But I digress. Back to GOOP, and how it's destroying America. Okay, it's not destroying America - but it is making my head explode and there is also math involved. I hate math.

She's recently updated her blog design to include some new sections including GOOP Collection, where you would go if you ever decided you needed a pair of $150 denim-looking sweatpants.
They're kinda like jeggings, made of sweats. Sweggings. Or maybe, Sweans? But her original blog design just included five basic sections: Make, Go, Get, Do, Be, See. If those titles alone don't make you want to punch something, we probably can't be friends.

My favorite is always "Get." I love to see what Gwyneth thinks I should buy each season. And by love, I mean resent with a fiery passion only found in the deepest flames of hell. I'm a little disappointed that this page hasn't been updated since Thanksgiving, but when you are Gwyneth you clearly don't have the time or inclination to keep up with the current season. So the Thanksgiving recommendations will have to do.

Happy Thanksgiving! It's officially the holiday season, and with that in mind, it's time to get on top of our shopping lists. And so, we've scoured the web and searched the shops to find you the gifts we'd love to give.
Also, I've always wanted a one shouldered exercise top and could never find one so we've collaborated with BEYOND YOGA (who make really chic, comfortable, perfect exercise gear) to make my dream top!
gratitude=happiness
Love,
gp

No words. Moving on.

Her first recommendation is for something called an iPhone Passive Horn Amplifier. It's 24k gold.
"This super-chic passive amplifier uses the principle of the bugle to turn your iPhone into a speakerphone. "

Did you read that? This thing's function is to turn your iPhone into a speakerphone. A speakerphone. Not a sound dock or anything - just a speakerphone. I guess it's for those times you want to lounge by the fire smoking a pipe and need your hands free. It's £649. Do you know how much that is? Of course you don't, but Gwyneth is an honorary Brit so we just have to deal with math. It's $1026.65. 

The next gift she recommends "Olfactive Branding."
Since 2009, identical twins Dawn and Samantha Goldworm of 12.29 have been creating custom scents for corporate, hospitality and private clients. Scents are made in conversation and to your specification and they can produce candles, room sprays and more. To them, it’s about “olfactive branding.” A truly unique present for a friend’s home.
Again, no words. Oh wait - I do have a few. What in the what? I just can't. You can read the rest of her recommendations here. They mostly involve really annoying descriptions and no prices.

It worked! The realization that I will never be this detached from reality made me feel all better.
Thanks, Gwyneth.

Oh, yeah. Part I is here.

5 comments:

  1. OMG. I hate that site. And all sites like it. Seriously? Why does she feel compelled.. Oh, I can't even start to rant or your comment box will overflow.

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  2. I've never understood why everyone loved her. I think her best role was in "Seven" when her head ended up in the box. Most "big" female divas/actresses are so far removed from reality that it's almost comical. Almost ;)

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  3. I think I agree with Abby. And that my brain just exploded.

    what.

    the actual.

    fuck.

    ReplyDelete