Monday, December 31, 2012

Guerrilla Mom Is Officially One and Happy New Year!

It's been a whole year since I woke up one night in a cold sweat, panicking about how exactly I was going to successfully raise my child. I started writing my thoughts out (as many people who can't afford therapy do) and Guerrilla Mom was born.

I thought that approximately 24 people would read this thing. That's a pretty generous tally of my close friends and family members. But here we are, one year and 160,000 pageviews later. So to everyone who has taken the time to read, comment, re-post, and just generally offer love and encouragement - thanks.

I rounded up my favorite posts for the year, in case you missed them. You'll want something to do from your couch tomorrow - when you're hungover and questioning all of your life choices.

Happy New Year everyone! Have fun tonight. Don't drive. Be careful who you sit next to on the subway. Stash your own toilet paper in your purse because every bar will be out. Don't start drinking champagne at 2pm. Do kiss someone at midnight.

Guerrilla Mom's 2012 Round - up

Ok Gwyneth, you win. You have the coolest life.

Wearing your baby. The best way to show the world that you've got this mothering thing, down!

The Man Shortage And Other Urban Legends

Technology is turning us all into a bunch of f@#king jerks.

The Cosmetic Counter Horror Show

You're not in Kansas anymore... and your ass is too fat.

Attachment Parenting - or as the rest of us refer to it, 'Parenting.'

I'll have a vodka martini - hold the ironic mustache.

Deconstructing Cosmo

'18 Again' Vaginal Cream Exists 

Ann Romney's RNC Address - Sort Of

Thursday, December 27, 2012

I hate to break it to you, but there's no 'perfect time' to have kids.

If you’re in your thirties, waiting for all of the stars to align – that promotion you have your eyes on, finding the perfect house, one last trip to Europe – before you get knocked up, I have news for you. There’s no “perfect time” to get pregnant. Trying to knock off a list of personal accomplishments, financial goals and vacation destinations before you attempt to conceive may do more harm than good.

It's probably annoying to hear, but having kids isn't the kind of thing you can pen into your day planner. Some things are really out of your control. 

Continue to article...

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Christmas Fail

Okay, so I'm not Martha Stewart. This year it was made abundantly clear.

I love Christmas. Not the whole crazy materialistic part - but the trees and the lights and the music. It makes me happy. This year, at every turn, we seriously failed Christmas. It's not even funny.

The tree. My husband brought home a little Charlie Brown tree. We kind of have to have one that size so we can prop it up on the table and keep Lucien away from the ornaments. Yeah, that didn't work. Lucien pulled all of the needles off the bottom branches and I had to move all of the ornaments to the top of the tree. I have a collection of little gems that we've had in the family since I was a child, but I only ended up putting about 10 on the tree for fear that Destructo would ruin them. Also, it's about 400 degrees in our apartment, so the tree died almost immediately after we brought it in the house. I'm not kidding.

The cookies. Every year my step daughter and I make gingerbread men. This year, we were so busy I thought we would take a shortcut and make some Pillsbury sugar cookies. Yes, a mix. I am the worst mom, ever. These things sucked. Lesson learned. Then my step daughter went to town on the frosting - and what resulted was the most horrifying looking cookies, ever. I can't even say that they tasted good. Next year we'll be one-upping ourselves with a gingerbread Chrysler Building or something to make up for this atrocity.

The presents. I got all the goodies together in the living room the day before Christmas to wrap, while the family was distracted in the other room. I laid everything out, began to wrap, and pulled the last piece of tape from the dispenser on the first gift. No tape! I stapled all of the presents shut. I'm not even kidding.

Oh well. There was this, which kinda made up for everything...

Monday, December 17, 2012

We Have A Problem

These are the headlines on the Huffington Post today:
Two Police Officers Shot and Killed in Kansas
3-Year-Old Accidentally Shoots Himself, Dies
Gunman At Large After Shooting Victim 4 Times
Man Shoots Wife, Keeps Cops In Stand-off For Hours
One Person Shot In San Antonio, Gunman Later Shot By Cops
Woman Shot At Campground
Woman Shot To Death, Son Thought She Was Sleeping
Yeah, we totally don't have a problem with gun violence in this country.

I woke up next to my son on Saturday. He sleeps in a crib wedged into the corner of our tiny room, right at the head of our bed. I've often complained about our cramped living quarters. That morning, I felt like the luckiest woman in the world - knowing that it was the first morning all of those parents would wake up without their babies. And I was lucky enough to be staring at my living, breathing, child - in our cramped little apartment in Brooklyn.

I, like everyone else, am completely devastated by what happened last Friday. I can't even begin to form any coherent words to express the grief I feel for all of the families that lost children, brothers, sisters, friends... it's unbearable. But I certainly don't feel like it's inappropriate to talk about the destruction our gun culture is wreaking upon our country. Something has to change.

Fuck the NRA.
Fuck every single person that thinks the Second Amendment was put in place to guarantee that citizens have the ability to fire off 45-60 rounds of ammunition a minute.
Fuck anyone that can look at the statistics that say that we are the most violent country in the civilized world, and think it's pure coincidence.

God, I hope our President does something about this. It's his second and last term. He has nothing to lose. Can you imagine if his legacy was universal health care and gun control? That's a President I would be proud of.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

I'm Not Qualified To Give Anyone Advice About Anything - But It Never Stopped Me Before

Last week, I wrote a piece for Mommyish called "The Best Pregnancy Advice I Never Got." One of the readers on Mommyish told me to fuck off, and Huffpost Parents ran it on their site - so it was an all around success. You should read it. I think it's funny. I also think it's true, but whatever. Some women have glowing pregnancies and absolutely no problems adjusting to motherhood - in which case they probably wouldn't find it very informative. I don't personally know any of these fictional beings - but I've heard they exist.

So, I'm in week 15 and everything isn't totally grossing me out anymore, which is awesome. I can probably expand my diet beyond bagels and cookies now. But I've noticed that everything is irritating me a little more than usual now. Pregnancy hormones are great! Hopefully I'll make it through the next few weeks without killing anyone. One can dream...

It turns out that I am practically an elderly woman. I'm thrilled to learn that. If I hear the phrase "advanced maternal age" one more time I'm going to freak out. I am going to fill you in on all of the drama I have been experiencing because of my old uterus soon, but for now - you can read this. I'm sure those of you who have been or are pregnant in your late thirties can relate.

I imagined writing a lot more during the first few months of this pregnancy, but it turns out that I am experiencing a little PTSD.  That might be a little dramatic, but it seems my brain goes into this auto-pilot-protect-mode since I have had so many issues with previous pregnancies. I am starting to grasp the fact that there is actually a little being in there now - and hopefully can work through the frantic stress I'm feeling and write more.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

All the tears in the world.

Last year, I met a lovely couple while I was sitting down at the bar having a drink after I got off work. They seemed to be on a date, and we joked about how rare it was to get out together when you have kids. The mentioned that they had twins, and that one of their twins needed a lot of special attention.

I ran into the father in the park a couple of months later - one twin running around like kids do, the other laying in his lap. I never did find out what health issues that beautiful little girl had - all I could do was wish that something would turn around.

A few months ago I saw the family again. Their beautiful son with his bright, blue eyes in tow. A lump formed in my throat when I didn't see their daughter with them. But I didn't really know them, it had been a long time since we met, and I certainly didn't feel comfortable asking if everything was okay.

Last night I got an email from a friend who knows the parents - their sons go to the same school. It was a request for contributions for a public art project to honor the year anniversary of  the death of their daughter, Lula. 

I wish all the tears in the world that are shed for another parent's loss could alleviate their pain for even one second. I know they can't, but I'll let them fall anyway.

The following are the details of the art project. It really only takes a second. If you want to contribute, please follow the directions below and send a jpeg along to Lula's mom.

Here is a link to her blog as well.  It is heart-breaking to read about such profound loss, but it is also such an amazing testament to a mother and father's love for their children. 


I'd like to ask you all to contribute to a short, simple public art project of sorts in the days 
leading up to the anniversary of Lula's death a year ago.

I would like you to write, paint, scrape, sew, arrange or otherwise imprint the name 
"Lula" somewhere, anywhere, take a photo of your "Lula" and send it to me by Monday 
evening (December 3).

You can tag it on a subway tile, write it in noodles on the kitchen counter, scrawl it in the sand, 
or arrange post-it notes on your office wall. Any size and composition you want. Whatever 
inspires you, where ever you are.  Uppercase or lowercase letters are all good. Bonus points to 
anyone with an airplane who can do that sky writing thing. 

You don't have to spend much time on it at all- 5 minutes is plenty (although feel free to 
spend as long on it as you want). You can do as many as you want but one is great.

Please send me the image(s) as a jpeg if possible.  Please include:
Your Name
Where you took the picture (ie my Living Room, Dayton, OH)

Email me by 9pm EST Monday, December 3 at:

Please Facebook this, forward it, and pass it on to any and everyone who might want to contribute.