Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Hurricane Sandy

Contrary to what I had hoped, Sandy was nothing like Irene.

We were beyond lucky - at a high elevation in Brooklyn so we didn't suffer the flooding.  We never even lost power.  Besides anxiously listening to the whipping winds all night, my family was fine.  Actually, my family was asleep.  I was the one anxiously listening to the winds.

I knew the flooding was bad because I was able to watch it on the news last night until we lost cable.  But I never expected the news this morning.  The awful fires in Queens, the unbelievably horrifying scenario at NYU medical center as they lost back up generators and had to move patients in the dark - including 20 infants from the NICU.

I can't even imagine having to pack up my family and flee from a fire in the night.  Or having to move a newborn out of the NICU - in the middle of a horrific storm.  My heart goes out to everyone that is dealing with the aftermath of the storm - but especially these parents.

The storm definitely wasn't over-hyped.  What a disaster.

Monday, October 29, 2012

Disaster Preparedness

Unless you live in a cave or are one of those weird people that doesn't have television, you've probably heard about Hurricane Sandy.  Don't call her a Frankenstorm anymore, CNN decided that was disrespectful.

All subways were shut down last night and people are generally freaking out.  I don't like to be left out of a good freak-out, so I decided yesterday that I too, should go to Target to stock up on some provisions.

Look at Grand Central Station! Empty. Creepy.

As you can imagine, there were shopping carts filled with water and people scrambling to get stuff off the shelves.  There was no fucking tuna left at all.  I stood there, confused, wondering why I was there. I had already boiled some water and filled some pitchers in my fridge because I love Mother Earth, and didn't want to buy 48 sport bottles to get me through the possibility of a few days without water.

What to get?  What to get?  I briefly browsed the Halloween candy section and bought a bag of Snickers.  Then I grabbed a jar of peanut butter, some graham crackers, some Ritz and Cheez Wiz, a loaf of bread and called it a day.  What a colossal waste of time.  It did prevent me from being a shut-in all weekend.  At least I got a nice little walk.

I guess we'll just be sitting around all day, watching the addictive storm coverage.  Lucien is super fun when he is trapped in the house all day.  Super fun.

Stay safe everyone.  Hopefully this is just super-hyped up like Irene was in NYC and we'll be back to business as usual tomorrow - with a lot of extra bottled water.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Republican Morons - I Don't Think Rape Means What You Think It Means

What is it with old Republican men and their non-grasp of rape?  I just can't even take it anymore. Can't. Even. Take. It.

When Richard Mourdock, Indiana's Republican Senate candidate was asked at a debate this week if he was opposed to allowing abortions in the case of rape or incest he responded, 
I think even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that is something that God intended to happen.
 Um, come again?  What the hell did you just say?

Jesus fucking Christ.  I can say that, because any higher power I believe in wouldn't condemn me to the fiery pits of hell for using some one's name in vain. She also wouldn't condone the act of rape to get some misogynistic, back-woods, ignorant political agenda pushed - would you Goddess?

I didn't think so.

While we're on the subject of total stupidity - why are we mentioning God at a political debate again?  

I don't understand.  Is there something in the water?  How can you actually be that moronic?  Did you not emerge from a woman's vagina, after she carried you for nine long months and kept you alive long enough for you to unleash your stupidity on the world?  

We've been pissing all over women's rights for so long in this country, political figures aren't even trying to not be offensive.  They're just saying the first thing that comes into their tiny little reptilian brains - then rushing through some lame non-apology the next day.  Here is his:

I am a much more humble person this morning because so many people mistook, twisted, came to misunderstand points that I was trying to make," Mr. Mourdock said. "And if, because of the lack of clarity in my words, they came away with an impression other than those that I stated moments ago, that life is precious and I abhor violence and that God abhors violence and rape — if they came away with any impression other than that, I truly regret it. I apologize that they came away, and I have certainly been humbled by the fact that so many people think that that somehow was an interpretation.

Oh, okay.  So when you said rape was something that God "intended to happen" we should have heard "God abhors violence."  Riiiiight.

Ugh.  Make it stop.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Friday, October 19, 2012

Sick Child = No Writing.

So, things have been crazy around these parts as evidenced by the small slowdown of posts!  Lucien has been sick and the only way he seems to be able to sleep at night is by literally laying on top of me.  Turns out he has pneumonia - poor little guy.  Always trust your instincts when dealing with doctors.  They kept trying to assure us we didn't need to come in because coughs after fevers were normal and could last for weeks.  Thank God his father insisted we go.

He's recovering but the sickness has turned him into one needy little bastard high-maintenance child.  He refuses to entertain himself - ever.  So it's been a little hard to get any writing done around these parts.

I did get a job though!   Very part time - but awesome.  I will be the weekend news writer for Mommyish, starting tomorrow.  This is very exciting because not only does is mean that my writing will be on a hugely popular site very regularly - it also means I don't have to serve brunch to high- maintenance annoying Brooklyn hipsters and tourists anymore.  Hallelujah!  If I never see the word "brunch" again, it will be too soon.

Hopefully my child's needs haven't eaten my brain and I will actually be successful with this endeavor tomorrow.  Please check out the site.  Also, I will be returning to writing more regularly this week with some big news. 

That's all, folks.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Sh*tty moms enraged over block of programming for sh*tty moms. Irony ensues

Wow.  Where do I begin?

There is a cable channel called NickJr.  If you have kids, you've probably heard of it because it is where Yo Gabba Gabba and Pocoyo live.  Kids love Yo Gabba Gabba and Pocoyo.

Anyway, it is a cable TV channel that shows programs for toddlers.  It used to do this 24 hours a day - which, frankly, I always thought was excessive - because what toddler watches TV at midnight?  Turns out, a lot of them do - as evidenced by the number of mothers freaking out over a new block of programming that is running on this channel from 10pm to 2am.  It's called Nick Mom - and it's for drinking, complaining, underachieving mothers like myself.  Or so that is what all of the sanctimommies that are bombarding the network with hate mail are saying.

We will continue to speak out with our voices and wallets to Nick and the sponsors. You are out of touch with real parents and families. Get the mommy porn off the kids channel.

Unbelievable the "shit" that's on tv!!! Children don't have the choice to come into the world, you make that decision, and if you think it's a job, maybe you don't deserve children, I too realize its meant to be a joke, but it's stupid none of the less!!

Why so negative? How about posting something cute and sweet? Oh wait this is NickMom, thief of childrens television and pusher of negativity and immorality.

I went to the website  to examine the shows, and for the life of me I can't figure out what is so offensive about any of this.  No way in hell would I call it porn.  No way.  Apart from thinking that women talking about their sex lives is porn the other big complaint about this programming, is it cuts into children's programming.  Yeah, it does.  Between the hours of 10pm and 2am.  Why in the hell are your toddlers watching TV between 10pm and 2am?  

This is all the little kids have to watch and everytime it comes on my 20 mo old daughter comes running & crying then of course at 10pm there is no other child oriented programming on.

I think that it is funny that Muno on Yo Gabba Gabba looks like a dancing red d**do, but I don't think that this Nickmom garbage is funny at all. The reason I say that is because I can find humor and entertainment in the shows that my child watches and I can be entertained with her. But she can't watch NickMom with me and be entertained, she can't even be exposed to the content. Why put something on that you have to send your child out of the room to watch? You can't exactly send them to their room to watch Nick Jr now can you? 

Whatever - to each his own.  But has anyone ever heard of a DVD player?  Is Nick Jr. the only channel on your television?  Also, try handing your toddler a book or some toys.  Kids generally like those things.

I'm not trying to be a judgemental jerk here - Lucien watches a little TV, too.  But if your parenting skills become unravelled because of a four hour block of time that you can't place your child in front of the TV - you've got some reflecting to do.  

Okay - maybe I am being judgemental.  You suck.  Also, it's election season.  I can think of far more worthy petitioning to be doing.  Ugh.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Jessica Simpson's Face is Losing Weight.

Have you ever seen a Weight Watchers ad that didn't show someone's body?

I hadn't.  Until last night.

Look, I know I'm late on this because the ad came out a month ago.  I have a toddler, I work full time, and I never watch TV.  But last night Lucien gloriously fell asleep at 8pm and I decided to indulge in some full on couch time.  Haagen Daz, blanket, Modern Family (double episode - yes!) couch time.  Oooh, and Nashville is a really fun show.  But I digress.

In the midst of my lazy domestic bliss, Jessica Simpson's face pops up on the screen for a Weight Watchers ad.  Just her face.  Barely even her neck.  Remember that band Heart?  The two sisters? One was skinny and one was not.  The skinny one always got all of the video time, and the not skinny one was only shown in tight shots to the face?  Well, that is how they shot Jessica Simpson for this commercial.

Fuck off, Weight Watchers.

God forbid you show her losing weight at a normal pace as opposed to assuming that she would bounce back to her pre-baby body in five months.  I'm pretty sure that was their agreement.  She obviously hasn't done it because they haven't forced her into a pair of daisy dukes yet.  They haven't forced her into a pair of anything, from what I can tell in this commercial.  I'm not even sure if she's wearing clothes.  She could be wearing a mu mu and snacking on a whole turkey for all we know.  Okay, she's clearly wearing some sort of sweater - but you get my drift.

Weight Watchers had a real opportunity to be decent with this situation, instead they are hiding her very normal weight gain from all of us common folk who could probably really benefit from seeing a real post-pregnancy body on a celebrity for once.   She claims in this commercial that she's losing weight - and I'm sure she is.  Just not fast enough to warrant any screen time.

I can't wait to see what they do with the next installment.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Shop Early, Help Women. Win, Win.

Okay, so it's only October, but Christmas is right around the corner.  If you are like me, you have every intention of doing at least some shopping in November to avoid the crowds and general craziness of shopping in December.  If you are like me, you fail every year and are still putting presents together days before Christmas.

This year I have a solution for all of the grown up women in my life -  FashionABLE .

FashionABLE  is a non profit that works with impoverished women in Africa, who - through various circumstances have been forced into desperate circumstances, usually commercial sex work.  The program pulls women out of despair, teaches them a trade and gives them hope for a new life.

Here is a quote from their website:
Your purchase of a fashionABLE scarf creates sustainable business for women in Africa.  Our commitment as a non-profit is to the development of people — fashionABLE works with women who have been exploited due to the effects of poverty.  So, when you purchase a scarf you are providing jobs, and then we send the net profits back to holistically rehabilitate more women. This is the beauty of non-profit….
Scarves provide jobs, profits provide restoration.

This is organization is truly a non-profit - meaning all proceeds from the sales go back into helping women create sustainable business for themselves.    It pulls women out of the nightmare of commercial sex work, into the empowering role of providing for themselves and their families with the proceeds from the beautiful work they create.  

Each scarf comes with a personally signed tag from the woman who created it.

Yes, it's a little early to be putting this on your radar for Christmas, but I wanted to give you time to spread the word.  The scarves are beautiful, affordable, and you can really feel good about a purchase that HELPS WOMEN.

View the collection here.


Thursday, October 4, 2012

Mixtape. Wednesday.

This is music.

I may be a little biased.

Congratulations perfect parents! You're lying.

Today's post on Mommyish is all about perfect parents.  You know the ones I'm talking about.  I don't think perfect parenting exists.  I think these people are just big, fat liars.

You can read the article here.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

I'm just a waitress.

The poor guy I was working with yesterday had a hell of a night.

A table of four walks in, and immediately begins circling the restaurant looking for the perfect table.  They don't wait for the host to seat them, the don't wait for anything actually - they just charge in like they own the place.

For some reason, none of the tables we have suit them.  They finally begrudgingly take one of the best ones in the restaurant.  It is one that pretty much everyone else that walks in is thrilled to have.  Not them.  Then, everything proceeds to go wrong.  Everything.

You'll understand what I'm talking about here if you have ever worked with the public in any capacity.  For some reason, everything always goes wrong for the most difficult customers.  And you, as the person whose job it is to deal with them is left to wonder, why is this happening with these people, of all people?  I couldn't help but think about this as I was watching this poor guy trying to navigate this train wreck of a table.

Some people walk around with a frown on their face and are constantly abusing the people around them.   For lack of a better word (it's 4 a.m.) I'll just call them sub par.  Sub par human beings.  They exist.  In fact, they are everywhere, just waiting to bitch and moan about every damn thing they can.  

Have you ever heard the phrase, like attracts like?  It speaks to the idea that you attract what you are.  These folks attract shitty experiences because they are shitty people.  I don't make the rules.  That's just the way it is.  The universe is fair - sometimes.

So the next time you are dealing with one of these people, remember - It's not you, it's them.  And if you are this person remember - this shit will always follow you around.  Your toast will always be burnt, there will never be a dress in your size, your drink will never be cold enough, and that flight attendant just won't smile enough for your taste.  Nothing will go right for you.  You have made it so, by lacking any perspective and being a general asshole.

So the next time you want to complain about your wine or your table, or you have the worst experience ever, just remember - it's not my fault.

Look, I can't reverse your karmic destiny.  I'm just a waitress.