I read a hilarious Scary Mommy Society post yesterday by Christine from Quasi Agato, in which she recounts her recent experience with parenting nightmares. It all made me think, Hey - maybe this parenting thing isn't stressing me out too much after all. I don't think I have had a single parenting nightmare since Lucien was born.
There were a few before he was born. These mostly involved me being at a party or a bar or some other festive place - and all of a sudden realizing that I had forgotten my baby somewhere. My baby! Where is my baby? But since his birth - nothing.
My job, however, has inspired some pretty good ones. I wait tables and bartend for a living. This is a job that I love, but it certainly has its fair share of stressful moments - as evidenced by the many horrific nightmares the job has triggered. Here are some of my favorites:
The Sound of Music Nightmare
Think of the scene in the Sound of music, where Julie Andrews is singing The Hills Are Alive With The Sound of Music... Okay, is the image in your head? Now imagine a kitchen at the top of the rolling hills, and all of the tables in the valley. Every time I take an order, I have to run up the hill to the kitchen, and then roll back down it into the valley to serve people. I'm also wearing that long, frumpy dress that she wore. Not good.
The Ooh! I Have a Gorgeous Balcony Nightmare
In which I wake up in the morning, and realize that in the back of my tiny apartment in Brooklyn, I have a sweeping, gorgeous balcony that I have never noticed before. Oh, and my bed is on it. I can't believe my amazing luck in having such a gorgeous, hidden oasis in the city. I'm sitting up in bed, taking in the smell of the exotic flowers that encompass my balcony, when all of a sudden someone says, Waitress! Can we get some help? We've been trying to get your attention for 10 minutes. You were sleeping. I look around, and to my horror there are tables with customers sitting at them, all around my beautiful balcony bedroom - and everyone needs something.
The Peanuts Adults Nightmare
In which every one of my customers talks like the adults in Peanuts.
Me: Hi. What can I get for you?
Customer: Mwa, mwa, meh mwa mwa.
Me: Excuse me?
Customer: Mwa mwa mwa.
Customer: MWA, MWA, MEH MWA MWA!
Me: Oh, okay.
Hell breaks loose when I have to guess what everyone wants because I have no fucking clue what they are saying. Riots ensue. I realize I am dreaming and don't actually have to work. I walk out the front door of the restaurant into a cotton candy park. George Clooney is waiting there, delicately nibbling at a cotton candy bush. He says You're too good for this life, Maria and we get on a Ferris wheel. Don't ask.
Maybe this parenting thing freaks me out a little here and there, but subconsciously - I'm good. That has got to count for something.