There was a frenzy of activity going on last week. I got my eyebrows waxed. I got my hair cut and colored. There was a manicure and a pedicure. I bought new clothes and some ridiculously expensive shoes. I wore red lipstick and the Prada perfume I never break out. No, I was not getting ready for the hottest date of my life. These were all of the tasks I performed to prepare myself for the most important professional conference of woman Bloggers, in the world - Blogher '12.*
I somehow managed to miss the whole Internet dating thing. I've never created a profile, or browsed someone else's or exchanged hopeful emails and photos. My boyfriends always seemed to fall into my lap. It's as if the universe knows I would fail terribly at courtship. Whatever, universe. I may never have actually experienced Match.com. But I did start a Blog. It turns out, it's sort of the same thing.
Guess what? I would be fantastic at Match.com. I would. Do you know how I know I would? All of the women I have been drawn to on the Internet are really cool and great. I met them in person at Blogher' 12 last week and realized that our friendships could totally exist in reality- not just in cyberspace. So, I decided to make a Match.com-ish profile for my site, so it would be easier for my future BFF's and comrades in the Blogosphere to find me.
I am driven and I know what I want. It usually has bacon in it. Or tequila.
I enjoy long walks, at a leisurely pace, preferably while drinking coffee and gossiping. If you are one of those people that says you don't gossip, you are a liar and we cannot be friends. I don't like liars.
That brings us to what else I don't like. I hate it when people put their gum on their plate at a restaurant, or on top of their can of Diet Coke. That is fucking disgusting. I hate it when people say totes instead of totally. I am a valley girl at heart, and fully embrace the words totally, awesome, and have been trying to single-handedly make bitchin' relevant again, to varying degrees of success.
Music is my lifeblood. If you can't tell the difference between Miles Davis and John Coltrane, please never admit it to me. Also - figure it out immediately. Never insult Madonna in my presence. I am old enough to remember coveting her Boy-Toy belt, and she has a special place in my heart. Also, Prince can do no wrong, even though I hear he is a Jehovah's Witness now - and they are quite possibly the strangest religious sect on the planet. If you are a Jehovah's Witness we probably can't be friends either, because I don't like fraternizing with people who think I am going to hell.
Have you ever uttered the words, "I am socially liberal but fiscally conservative?" Gross. But we may still be able to be friends if we never talk about politics - ever. If you have ever described yourself as pro-life, and you weren't being ironic or talking about the death penalty - our relationship will be rocky at best, and at worst - there will be hair pulling.
If you think parenting is easy, and it causes you no stress or anxiety, I may beg to sleep over at your house to see what I am doing wrong. I don't snore and I make fabulous cinnamon vanilla pancakes. I'm also really great at crafting theme drinks to consume while we are watching reality TV. On the topic of reality TV, I like to pretend that I hate it, but if it has the word Wives in it - I am DVRing it as we speak. This includes, but is not limited to: Mob Wives, Basketball Wives, Mob Wives Chicago, The Real Housewives of (insert city here), and Broke Intellectual Wives. I'm in the process of crafting a pitch for the last one now.
If you think we are a match made in heaven, please feel free to stalk my site, leave awesome comments, and be and all around bitchin' dude or chick. We'll be friends forever. Or until you insult Madonna.
*Of course, there were other tasks. I got business cards made, crafted a media kit, got some amazing magnets to give away, studied endless How to prepare for Blogher posts, and read all of my favorite Bloggers religiously. I've read tons of comments complaining about this year's Blogher - but I loved it. I had a great time and I met a ton of inspirational, amazing women. I can't wait until next year.