Friday, August 31, 2012

Ann Romney's RNC address. Sort of.

You know those movies, where people somehow magically switch bodies, and the once tight-lipped conservative mother becomes a truth telling, party animal?  No?  Well, I'm sort of thinking a cross between Freaky Friday and Liar, Liar.  When I heard Ann Romney address the RNC this week, I couldn't help but wish she had some truth serum in her latte.  Let's pretend that she did.  Here is Ann Romney's speech at the RNC - injected with truth serum and hopped up on tequila.



The following is a transcript of Ann Romney’s remarks Tuesday night at the Republican National Convention, as re-imagined by Guerrilla Mom:

I want to talk to you tonight not about politics and not about party.  I mean really, who are we kidding?  I don't know anything about politics and no one wants to come to my parties.  Have you ever been to a Mormon wedding?  Snoozefest.

I was looking through and old shoebox of memories and I came across the first note I ever wrote Mitt.  There were little hearts stickers all over it and what looks to be a drawing of cupid shooting an arrow.  I want to talk to you about that.  Heart stickers, and cupid, and Mitt.

Tonight I want to talk to you about love.  The love I have for Mitt, and the profound love I have for this country.  If I could buy all of the heart stickers in the world, I would stick them on every highway from California to Rhode Island.  Oh wait, I totally can buy all of the heart stickers in the world. (Squeal!)  But back to Mitt, this amazing country, and the love so deep only a mother that has given birth 12 times can fathom it — the love we have for our children and our children’s children.  If I piled all of my children and my children's children into this room right now, you would be confused and a little horrified - and might wonder if we were breeding our own super-army.

And I want us to think tonight about the love we all share for those Americans, our brothers and sisters, who are going through difficult times, whose days are never easy, nights are always long, and whose work never seems done.  Have you ever seen Roseanne?  People actually live like that.  With mismatched furniture and dirty clothes and stuff.  And I don't personally know any African Americans but I heard that Good Times was a pretty good representation of how they are living now.  I DVR'd an episode, but then Janet came on and I have been boycotting all of her work, even retroactively, since that unfortunate nipple slip.

But I digress.  Poor people are everywhere.  They are here among us tonight in this hall; they are here in neighborhoods across Tampa and all across America.  That guy in the red shirt that you gave the rest of your Subway sandwich to when entering the parking lot?  He's here.  I know, I thought he was homeless, too.  Oh, there you are.  Hi!

Sometimes I think that late at night, if we were all silent for just a few moments and listened carefully, we could hear a great collective sigh from the moms and dads across America who made it through another day.  Well, we don't hear our neighbors at all, because we have A LOT of property, but I'm sure all of that sighing is annoying to the rest of you.

And if you listen carefully, you’ll hear the women sighing a little bit more than the men. It’s how it is, isn’t it?  Women are always complaining just a little louder, aren't they? I mean, they should be happy that they are even allowed to work and be paid anything.  I don't get paid anything.  And I had to give up wine and chocolate to marry Mitt.  Did you hear what I just said?  Wine and chocolate.  I can't have either of those things. (Sigh.)

It’s the moms who always have to work a little harder, to make everything right.
It’s the moms of this nation — single, married, widowed — who really hold this country together.   Well, actually the married and widowed ones hold the country together.  The single ones - not so much.

You know it’s true, don’t you? You’re the ones who always have to do a little more.  I always have to do a little more.  Always.  Mitt doesn't do anything around the house.  Ever.  Look at his fingernails.  They are perfectly manicured.  This used to really turn me on until I started watching Game of Thrones. 

You are the best of America. You are the hope of America. There would not be an America without you.

Women of America, tonight, we salute you and sing your praises.  Tomorrow we will be taking all of your choices away.  (Fingers crossed!) You are already doing so much we don't want to put any major decisions on your plate.  You're welcome. 

If you would like to read her original speech, it's here. 
Mine is better.

18 comments:

  1. I think I just shot soda out my nose. Yours is totally better.

    Also, is it it just me... or does she sorta look like a plastic Barbie doll?

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  2. Nikkiana, she TOTALLY looks like a Barbie! But better because I haven't manhandled her clothes with my poor hands.

    This is fantastic-- I missed her actual speech so I'm just going to pretend like this actually happened ;)

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  4. I agree with what Baby Barbie spam e-mail said. We need "livlier habitats and others fascinating regarding babies." And also, this post was excellent. I loved it.

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    Replies
    1. I was going to delete Baby Barbie, but her robot drivel is too amazing.

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  5. love love love this. It's laugh or cry (and try not be scared shitless) when I watch the Republicans.

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    1. I laugh to keep from crying. Okay, I cry a little.

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  6. This is awesome! I deliberately avoided any of the RNC because my week was shitty enough, I don't need to be suicidal on top of it all but I love your version. Will she not be happy until my vagina resembles some sort of child birthing water slide a la Michelle Duggar?

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  7. LMAO!!!! I love this. So very much. I feel as though you really captured her voice, if it was less robotic, somewhat humorous, and slightly personable.

    Great job with this :)

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  8. I am up late, and sniggling quietly so as not to wake up the kids. I almost peed my pants somewhere between heart stickers, Good Times, and the Subway sandwich.

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    1. Haha. The heart stickers was my favorite.

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  9. Hello guerrilla mom. I love you. That is all. :*

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  10. Hello guerrilla mom. I love you. That is all. :*

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  11. Darn girl! you left out the part about being so "poor" they ate dinner on the ironing table.. pants probably caught fire after that one!

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