Thursday, July 19, 2012

Blogher '12 - Guerrilla Mom's NYC Survival Tips

There have been tons of blog posts strewn about the Internet lately, all about what Newbies need to do to get through Blogher '12.  Well, since I am a Newbie, I obviously can't contribute to that discussion.  I can, however, teach even old-school Blogger's, some quintessential points about navigating NYC.

Listen up, ladies.

Guerrilla Mom's NYC Survival Tips

1.  Never hang your purse on the back of a chair.
Never, and I mean never keep your stuff out of sight in the Big Apple.  If you don't have your eyes on it - it will disappear.  Having worked for a decade in Brooklyn bars, I can attest to that.  Trust me.

2.  Pronounce things like a native. 
If you decide to check out Soho, there is a main thoroughfare that you will most likely be asking directions to/from.  It is spelled Houston.  It is pronounced How-stun.  Get it right.

3.  Don't be shy at the deli.
Deli etiquette in NYC is not for the weak at heart.  When entering a deli, do not waste your time looking for the end of the line.  There isn't one.  Whoever walks to the counter gets served.  Period.  Walk up to the counter, place your order, and hang back waiting for it to be ready.

4.  Don't block the sidewalk.
Yes, the skyscrapers are huge.  Yes, it is a beautiful city.  Yes, Banana Republic is having an awesome sale.  Under no circumstances should you dilly dally in the middle of the sidewalk appreciating any of these things, though.  You will be shoved.  It won't be pretty.

5.  Handle cabs with confidence.
If you hail a cab, and it slows down for you - open the door and get in.  Don't tell the driver where you are going, through a crack in the window, and wait for his response.  If you do that - he will know you are a tourist, and probably gouge you.  New Yorkers know that cab drivers are not allowed to refuse fares, and jump right in when they stop.
On the same token, if a cab driver ever asks you which way you want to go, respond like so:
What am I, a fucking GPS?  The right way, motherfucker.  And don't even think about trying to take the scenic route because I take this trip every night, and know how much it costs. 

6.  Do not take a double-decker bus tour.
That is just stupid. 

7.  Don't be gluten-free in NYC.
For the love of God and everything holy, have a slice of pizza and a NY bagel.  Gluten-free don't get you into heaven.  But tasting both of these things will be a religious experience.

8.  The revolving bar at the top of the Marriott hotel in Times Square is awesome.
It really is.

9.  Don't follow any weird whispering men into a back room on Canal Street. 
The back room knock-offs on Canal Street are just that - knock-offs.  Don't bother.

And last, but not least - if anyone wants to skip their afternoon nap in the hotel, ride the subway over the Manhattan Bridge, and walk through Brownstone Brooklyn - let me know.  I'll be taking this trip on both days to drop off my swag and put on some cute shoes.

See you there.


  1. And for fuck's sake, do not eat for pizza with a knife and fork. Fold it, motherfuckers. FOLD IT.

    *sigh* I miss New York.

    1. That is obviously the first thing I will be teaching Lucien when his little hands can finally get around a whole piece.

  2. Oh, and don't buy a pretzel from anyone on the street - they are nasty and definitely NOT worth the 5 bucks they charge!

    1. Agreed. I'm a sucker for Nuts4Nuts, though.

  3. Damn, I wish I was going to BlogHer. I'll see you next year!

    1. I'm thinking ahead next year and trying to get on the sponsorship train for sure! It is expensive!

  4. Sigh, all I ask is that you make at least one poor decision on my behalf.

    1. I'm pretty sure that is the only thing I can really guarantee.

  5. Awesome! I hope all the attendees appreciate this...I especially love #5. lol

  6. Love it! Best "Newbie" post I've read so far! I'm a newbie too! Let's hook up!

  7. I am going and from NYC and this had me rolling on the floor. I have been telling people to make sure they eat while here..Pastrami, knishes, Pizza, and good bagels. So many things I missed when I lived outside of the city.. Another tip: Do not let someone sell you a "swipe" on your metrocard, and do not stop and watch some of the street musician bands without WATCHING AND HOLDING your purse. Had a friend visit and watch a group of guys and someone was in the crowd and lifted her wallet in seconds..Poor friend was right off the plane from UTAH.. Spent the day at the policestaion..not a good way to start a visit. Hope to see you there...

  8. I'll see you there! I can't WAIT to get a slice of pizza!!!