Friday, June 8, 2012

F@#k off, Gisele.

Oh God.  As if pregnant women and new mothers don't feel shitty enough.  Gisele is dropping  some supermodel mommy wisdom on us all.  Brace yourselves- this is going to change your life.  

Oh my god!  I have the same, exact pregnancy photo.   Weird.

On pregnancy:  I think a lot of people get pregnant and decide they can turn into garbage disposals. I was mindful about what I ate, and I gained only 30 pounds.

Thirty pounds?  What the hell is so great about that?  I only gained 15 and I ate Kit Kats and peaches for nine months.  Fine, I was already fat, whatever.  That's not the point.  Don't call pregnant women garbage disposals because they give into a few cravings.  That is just stupid.

On her home birth:  I wanted to be very aware and present during the birth… I didn’t want to be drugged up. So I did a lot of preparation, I did yoga and meditation, so I managed to have a very tranquil birth at home. It didn’t hurt in the slightest.

After attempting a natural childbirth, and ending up with an emergency C-section, I have come to the conclusion that the natural birth badge of honor women wear is a load of shit.  I did a ton of meditation before the birth.  Guess what?  When my doctor had to manually dilate me to 4 cm to get a heart monitor on Lucien's head (read, insert both of her hands into my unmedicated vagina) it hurt like hell.  Should I be ashamed of that?  When women like Gisele tell me that childbirth doesn't hurt, I naturally think they are liars.  

Since you've already proven yourself to be some super-human delivery machine, you should really try to one-up yourself with this birth.  I have an idea!  Why don't you deliver this baby while walking over some hot coals, Gisele. Then you can bend down and bite through the umbilical cord, hold up the second coming, and scream This doesn't hurt bitches!  I win!  I win!

On formula feeding:  Some people here (in the US) think they don’t have to breastfeed, and I think ‘Are you going to give chemical food to your child when they are so little?’ I think there should be a worldwide law, in my opinion, that mothers should breastfeed their babies for six months.

Well, we can all thank God that your opinion doesn't matter- at all.  Yes, Giselle- this is a fantastic idea.  What women do with their bodies is definitely not legislated enough.  We need more intrusion and intervention in the basic choices that we make about our bodies and our children.  You should definitely be the poster girl for this campaign.  Breastfeed or go to jail- you decide.  

On potty training:   Gisele was potty training Benjamin by 6 months, explaining that she’d breastfeed and then shortly after hold him over the toilet: “Give it about five minutes, and bang.”

Sorry to break it to you, but holding your infant over a toilet instead of letting him pee in a diaper is not potty training.  It's just not.  You know what it is?  A mother f-ing waste of time.  I'm not spending half the day holding my infant over a toilet, just so I can claim that he used the toilet before he could walk.

In conclusion, shut up, Gisele.  For the love of Christ and everything holy, just shut up.

Thanks Elsa, for sending me the Babycenter link that inspired this rant.  


  1. Oh this bitch. I feel very sure that if I had a play date with Gisele I would spend a lot of time nodding uncomfortably and saying, "Well, yeah.....I mean......that's one way to go....."

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  3. As I said on facebook a few years ago when I read her ridiculous statement regarding breast feeding... Gisele should keep her Pellegrino hole shut and speak only of what she knows things like what bikini am I wearing today and what time is the photographer getting here? Are really the only acceptable things that should come out of her mouth. As I have said before Most every women I know had some issue with breast feeding from mild to horrific so for her to state anything beyond what worked for her is just presenting her stupidity to the world~ !

  4. Huh. I wanted to be knocked unconscious in triage and then wake up the next day with a baby and no memory of how it arrived. To each her own, I suppose.

  5. Sanctimommy on her high horse.

  6. Gisele would soooo kick me out of her play-group! I gained 60 lbs, had a c-section, failed at breastfeeding and my now-2-year-old is in diapers still. Actually, strike that...she would be kicked out of MY playgroup!

  7. Giselle's son wasn't potty training at 6 months. GISELLE was potty training herself. This woman looks pretty in pictures and that's about all she's good for.

  8. This made me laugh so hard I was crying in my cubicle at work. My wife also started with natural birth and progressed to meds and then an unplanned c-section. She is the toughest woman I have ever known and completely suprised me when she sobbed that she felt defeated when she was told she had to stop pushing and move to the emergency room. It broke my heart, because it never even occurred to me that she would think of it as a failure. The goal is to get that kid out alive and healthy, not do a f*cking triple axel while doing it. Thanks for this blog. I truly enjoyed it, and will definitely be back.


  9. Holy mother of everything I want to punch her in the ovaries right now. Also, look at her back in that picture? How is it NOT BREAKING?!

  10. "It didn't hurt in the slightest."...? WTF?

    Some people don't deserve to talk.

  11. Ha ha! You all are so funny. And, yes- she is a bitch. WTF??

  12. Awesome! What a beeyotch!

    FTR I did have a homebirth and it did hurt....but it was a different pain than what I felt w/ my daughter (born in a hospital, medicated). My gall bladder surgery hurt way fucking more!

    But there is a REASON for hospitals and medication and monitoring. Just like there are reasons to FF instead of BF. I FF my first, BF my second.

    It's not a race, or a trophy or gold star. Motherhood is hard enough without everyone saying what a mom SHOULD or SHOULDN'T do. If a child is loved, happy, healthy and safe, THAT is what matters.

    Rock on!

  13. Okay, I am an adoptive mother so I didn't breastfeed my babies, but I have had women look at me with pity and actually offer that they 'hope my children are okay' since they were 'missing out'. Aside from that, there are women in the world who cannot breast feed for whatever reason. They/we don't need a shitload of guilt piled up on us for it.

    1. Oh god- how annoying.
      I believe in the importance of breastfeeding. I did it. I also realize that all women can't , and shouldn't be made to feel bad about that. That's not fair.

  14. Love your idea for her next birthing! If she sees this, though, I'm sure she will find a way to one up that idea.

  15. haha, my sister is vegetarian and doesn't eat pasta and she gained 45lbs during pregnancy. So I don't get her reasoning that if you eat right you won't gain much.

    and f*&k her about breastfeeding. Obviously she didn't go through PPD, with no help, because if she did she wouldn't be talking about it should be a "law." It's bad enough breastfeeding. Add PPD to that and it's the worst thing in the world it seems like. BTW, my kid was FED at least. Which was a flipping miracle because I couldn't STAND my child (which is sad to say, but a reality of PPD that I'm just now understanding isn't my fault).

    BTW, it's pretty damn easy to do all those things when you have all the money in the world, have a nanny, and can afford someone to help you breastfeed and afford other things that help.

  16. So,I had all natural births and I loved them BUT they hurt like a motherfucker. I have met those women who tell me that they had pain-free childbirth and I'm sure there are SOME women who experience birth this way, I don't think most do. I also feel like some women lie outright about their oh-so-magical births ,which isn't doing women any favors.

  17. And FORCE women to breastfeed? WTF. No.

  18. Wow, you all have a very negative slant on child birth. The goal, in my opinion, should be to do what is healthiest for the child and mother. Those wanting to be knocked out and not remember anything as long as they get a baby in the end are foolish. There are many natural things that happen during the natural birth process that are not just a badge of honor, but a design of our life form. Bypassing this processes through drugs and surgeries is no doubt a contributing factor to a multitude of mother and child problems. Everyone must decide what is best for them, but I feel most Americans are not educating themselves to the choices they are making. Doctors and Hospitals interest is protecting themselves from malpractice and making a profit.

  19. Hey. Dropping in from SITS! So this made me weak with laughter. I do want to say, I agree with Guerilla Mom AND Giselle. The difference, I think, is between cultures. In America, a lot of women are like 'EFF BREASTFEEDING! NOOOO!' and where Giselle comes's extremely prevalent. Women there are taught that is what they should do, so yes that is what she believes. Most babies born in the U.S. (less than half) are breastfeed, and are barely breastfed past 2 or 3 months anyway. And we formula-feed, more for social reasons than anything else. I can see why Guerilla Mom got annoyed at this lol. It's condescending to someone who wouldn't get it. But having a foreigner for a mother and seeing her and my sisters have pain-free births, and seeing my younger siblings potty trained at 1yr and 14mos, Giselle's not being unrealistic. She's just being culturally insensitive.

    Also, to LauraBrown, she's German-Brazilian, not Pellegrino. That's racist. And you should check yourself.

    No woman should be made to feel bad about her individuality or beliefs.

    Guerilla Mom, HILARIOUS article. I love your style of writing and will be back for more :)

  20. LMAO. She needs a brain transplant. I know she's trying to sound brilliant and educated, but it ain't working! Just 'cause a woman doesn't breastfeed or birth naturally (takes drugs during birth) does not make her inferior to anyone! What if the woman adopted or used a surrogate? And geez Louis, for a model, she sure has a significant amount of male DNA!

  21. You crack me up laughing! I'm thoroughly enjoying reading your blog.
    Happy SITS Day, by the way. I hope you had a cocktail to celebrate your special day!

  22. ohmygawd. On one hand I'm purely offended by her comments and I'm not even a mother! On the other hand I'm laughing hysterically at YOUR comments. Love it, you're too funny! (and absolutely right!)

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  24. Oh my gosh I laughed so hard at this! How have I never read her statements on this stuff before!