|Oh my god! I have the same, exact pregnancy photo. Weird.|
On pregnancy: I think a lot of people get pregnant and decide they can turn into garbage disposals. I was mindful about what I ate, and I gained only 30 pounds.
Thirty pounds? What the hell is so great about that? I only gained 15 and I ate Kit Kats and peaches for nine months. Fine, I was already fat, whatever. That's not the point. Don't call pregnant women garbage disposals because they give into a few cravings. That is just stupid.
On her home birth: I wanted to be very aware and present during the birth… I didn’t want to be drugged up. So I did a lot of preparation, I did yoga and meditation, so I managed to have a very tranquil birth at home. It didn’t hurt in the slightest.
After attempting a natural childbirth, and ending up with an emergency C-section, I have come to the conclusion that the natural birth badge of honor women wear is a load of shit. I did a ton of meditation before the birth. Guess what? When my doctor had to manually dilate me to 4 cm to get a heart monitor on Lucien's head (read, insert both of her hands into my unmedicated vagina) it hurt like hell. Should I be ashamed of that? When women like Gisele tell me that childbirth doesn't hurt, I naturally think they are liars.
Since you've already proven yourself to be some super-human delivery machine, you should really try to one-up yourself with this birth. I have an idea! Why don't you deliver this baby while walking over some hot coals, Gisele. Then you can bend down and bite through the umbilical cord, hold up the second coming, and scream This doesn't hurt bitches! I win! I win!
On formula feeding: Some people here (in the US) think they don’t have to breastfeed, and I think ‘Are you going to give chemical food to your child when they are so little?’ I think there should be a worldwide law, in my opinion, that mothers should breastfeed their babies for six months.
Well, we can all thank God that your opinion doesn't matter- at all. Yes, Giselle- this is a fantastic idea. What women do with their bodies is definitely not legislated enough. We need more intrusion and intervention in the basic choices that we make about our bodies and our children. You should definitely be the poster girl for this campaign. Breastfeed or go to jail- you decide.
On potty training: Gisele was potty training Benjamin by 6 months, explaining that she’d breastfeed and then shortly after hold him over the toilet: “Give it about five minutes, and bang.”
Sorry to break it to you, but holding your infant over a toilet instead of letting him pee in a diaper is not potty training. It's just not. You know what it is? A mother f-ing waste of time. I'm not spending half the day holding my infant over a toilet, just so I can claim that he used the toilet before he could walk.
In conclusion, shut up, Gisele. For the love of Christ and everything holy, just shut up.
Thanks Elsa, for sending me the Babycenter link that inspired this rant.