Translation: you're late. Or, it's not possible to be late, because now is also 10 minutes ago. Or, time doesn't exist so buy a ticket to my yoga retreat.
Translation: Stop looking at me. Why is everybody looking at me? I want Cheetos.
Translation: Do these Versace frames make me look fat? I don't think so, either.
Translation: I've never completed an NYT crossword puzzle. Ever.
Translation: Buy a ticket to my yoga retreat.
I apologize in advance if I am poking fun at anyone's Guru, but I've been laughing so hard I nearly peed myself, so I want to share the joy.
Coming next week: Whose tweets are more annoying- Mario Batali, or Deepak Chopra?
In other news: I'm on day 8 of my cleanse. Everyone around me is still alive, and still likes me (I think). Caffeine withdrawal headaches are gone, and I'm down 4 pounds.