There's the one where I taught myself how to tie my shoes when I was a year and a half old. She just sat down, against the wall in the kitchen and tried and tried. For six hours! Until she got it! Then there was the Christmas Eve that my sister climbed out of her crib, descended the staircase, came into the living room, looked at the tree and said, How pretty! She was one.
Oh also, I told my doctor that my ear hurt- when I was 8 months old.
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| My mom and the child prodigies. I am the one in the awesome coat. |
These stories used to be so endearing and cute. Until I had kids. Now they just serve as anecdotal reminders that I'll never be as good at this as my Mom was.
I mean, really. As if the milestone police that I have to see at the park everyday weren't enough. Now I'm measuring Lucien's development by my own. I'm comparing him to my childhood self. That can't be healthy. Why isn't he tying his shoes? We went to the doctor last week and he just stared at her. He didn't say a goddamn thing about the rash he's been scratching for the last week. What the hell?
Growing up, you actually believe all of these stories. It's entertaining and delightful to think of yourself as a super-genius infant. Of course, there have been times when I've wondered what went wrong along my path to adulthood. Why didn't I think of the cell phone first? Or invent Spanx? Apparently infant genius is not a litmus for success in life.
It's normal to brag about your children. I'm not begrudging my mother that. It's just that all of those stories mislead me a little. Clearly, I expected Lucien to do all of those things, too. And since apparently I never disobeyed my my mother- I thought that I, too, would breed a perfectly behaved child. I thought I would be able to administer "the look" that people like to brag about so much. You know- the one that makes your child stop whatever he's doing, apologize profusely, and go make you an omelet?
Well, the look doesn't work. And since Mom is staying with us for three weeks- she gets to see first hand, that I have not mastered it. Then she gets to passive-aggressively question every disciplining decision that I make.
Mom: You say "no?"
It's normal to brag about your children. I'm not begrudging my mother that. It's just that all of those stories mislead me a little. Clearly, I expected Lucien to do all of those things, too. And since apparently I never disobeyed my my mother- I thought that I, too, would breed a perfectly behaved child. I thought I would be able to administer "the look" that people like to brag about so much. You know- the one that makes your child stop whatever he's doing, apologize profusely, and go make you an omelet?
Well, the look doesn't work. And since Mom is staying with us for three weeks- she gets to see first hand, that I have not mastered it. Then she gets to passive-aggressively question every disciplining decision that I make.
Mom: You say "no?"
Me: Well, yes. He just hit me in the face. I say "no" when he does that.
Mom: Oh. I have more patience than that.
Oh, this is another good one;
Mom: He cries because you pick him up.
Me: What?
Mom: He gets frustrated when you pick him up, so he hits you. I can't pick him up, so he can't hit me.
Me: Um, okay.
But back to Lucien's development. Either my mom is a big, fat liar- or Lucien is the dumbest thing to ever come out of our gene pool. Obviously, I prefer to go with the former idea. It's easier for me to realize that I wasn't a child prodigy, than to believe my child isn't keeping up. And I'm sure this will all come full-circle. Years from now, I will be telling Lucien stories of how he walked when he was 8 months old (he was actually 14 months), talked in full sentences when he was one (we're still waiting for that one), and made me omelets when I was angry.
Ah, the circle of life. I'll be a liar, too.
Ah, the circle of life. I'll be a liar, too.
The passive aggressive grannies, ahhhhhh! love it. Also great to see you at least online Maria, San Jose love and hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteThanks- who is this?!
DeleteThis is hilarious!! And slightly disturbing that your mother never admitted that she made it all up, especially once you became a mother.
ReplyDeleteI can't wait to hear all the great tales you tell about your child!
Oh, I'm sure they will be doozies, since i'm already turning into my mother!
DeleteHa! Love this!
ReplyDeleteEvery time someone talks about when their kid does something, I start re-winding when my goddaughter did it... it's a disease. A horrible, horrible disease I tell you!
Oh, your mom sounds SO much like my mom. Some of her mommy mis-memories (that I've convinced myself are lies because they are just so grand): My sister said her first sentence at 6 months. That "sentence" was: Get off my back, I not a pony. She said this, apparently, when I was on her back. Another mis-memory-- She was a perfect mother.
ReplyDeleteI don't blame my mom. I think time away from motherhood allows you more space to craft new realities about your time spent there. It's amazing, but I know, years from now, I'll probably do the same thing! lol.
p.s. Thank you for stopping by my blog! I look forward to reading more from you!
You are so right!
DeleteLOL!! Well if its any conciliation to you, be glad it lies from your mom and not your mother-in-law. ;-)
ReplyDeleteTruer words were never spoken ;)
DeleteYes! I have not mastered the "look" either. I've convinced myself it only works on little girls. That's because I have a little boy. I think some kids simply don't respond to the "look." My kid used to laugh at me when I tried. And, actually, I remember my brother and me cracking up when my mom got mad, because she always had such a hilarious look on her face. Maybe it's in my DNA - I am congenitally unable to perform the "look."
ReplyDeleteI'm really bummed about this. It was the one "mom thing" that I used to fantasize about. Oh well.
DeleteMy birth club on Babycenter has convinced me I have the dumbest child on the planet. Never good to constantly read posts about what other children are doing that are the same age as your own. The fact that there are 17 months old that know the alphabet and eat soup with a spoon just proves how much my child is lacking. Seriously, my kid picks his nose, lifts up his shirt constantly, and says only one word we understand. He did walk at 9.5 months old but it's been downhill ever since! :) Love your blog!
ReplyDeleteI'm convinced they are all liars.
DeleteYeah - my grandma says my dad was potty-trained before he was a year old... riiiiight.
ReplyDeleteMy mom still loves to remind me how all three of her girls slept through the night from a very early age. She says this when I talk about the kids waking in the night.
ReplyDeleteFor one, the big kid (4 yrs) sometimes has bad dreams. It happens. MY little girl (16 months) still nurses at night. if she wakes, I nurse her. every kid is different. But yeah, i get the granma lies too. Oh and my granma says that all her kids were potty trained by like 18 months old. (it used to be a year old)
it is really no fun how our moms and other friendly moms feel compelled to jab in how awesome their kids are/were.
I think they all just have some super selective memory. There is no other explanation.
DeleteYeah, I hear these stories, not from my mom, from my MIL. What really drives me up the wall? My husband believes every one of her stories, and asks what I am doing wrong for our son not be doing the things that HE did at this age. *sigh*
ReplyDeleteThis makes me thankful that my mother doesn't do this. She does say my sister and I were potty trained at 1 1/2, but I believe her on that one, because that was just the way they did it then--taking the kid in every 1/2 hour or hour and making them sit until they learned how to go. My kids have all been over 3. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteWell "back in the day" babies did potty train early, bc they wore cloth and it helps to train earlier: and what mom wanted to wash diapers by hand for years and years?? :)
ReplyDelete