There will probably never, ever, be another time in your life when a perfect stranger comes up to you and feels you up. Unapologetically.
My favorite experience with this happened when I was about 7 months pregnant. I was at the deli, buying a Kit-Kat, and minding my own business. An older lady walked up to me -cupped my lower belly with both hands- stared into my eyes, and said;
This is definitely a girl. A beautiful baby girl. You are so blessed.
Really? That is amazing. I just went through a really uncomfortable ultrasound that required weird gels, emptying of the bladder and a paper robe. No one told me that going to the 7 Eleven and finding the woman with the least boundaries in the place would be just as effective. Thanks. I'll remember that for number two.
Sorry to destroy your delusions of baby predicting grandeur, lady, but this baby is a boy. Also, your hand is disturbingly close to my vagina.
Then there were the droves of how-to-breed-a-child-prodigy advice that I was getting, from just about every stranger I made eye contact with.
Do you listen to Classical music? It's been proven to raise the IQ of embryos. And Jazz. Jazz does it, too.
I didn't know embryos had an IQ, but thanks. I'll pick up some Bach on the way home.
Eat lots of fish! Take fish oil. Fish oil is great for hand-eye coordination!
You know, even decaf has caffeine, and that's really not good for baby's brain!
Don't use a microwave. It causes autism. Oh, so does hair dye.
|This cracks me up.|
As if strangers feeling you up and giving you unsolicited advice isn't bad enough, when you actually look for advice- it's disappointing as hell. For example, everyone's pregnancy bible, What to Expect When You're Expecting. That book sucks. Sorry, but it does.
Seriously, thanks for nothing, most popular pregnancy book ever sold. Consulting that book for pregnancy is like using Web MD. You'll find a list of every symptom you can think of- but it won't make you feel any better, and you actually might think you're dying. And don't even get me started about the cover art. I mean really, who is that weird looking woman? Someone get her a stylist, stat. This book was just way too clinical and vast to help me at all.
On the opposite end of that spectrum are the books that attempt to use humor or a conversational style to get their message across. One of the best-selling ones in this genre is called Skinny Bitch Bun in the Oven. Really? Go fuck yourselves, ladies. Why would you ever choose this title for a pregnancy book? These women made a killing off of making women feel like shit about their dietary choices with their book, Skinny Bitch. Why not make pregnant women feel just as bad? They basically spend the whole book yelling at you. I'm dead serious. I don't like to be yelled at when I'm not pregnant. Reading this book during pregnancy would have sent me into a fiery rage. Thanks but no thanks, Skinny Bitches.
Ugh. It's hard. It really is. I did find one site that I loved. It's called Alpha Mom. They have an amazing pregnancy calendar that you can consult week by week. It is humorous, and down to earth and I related to it more than any other piece of literature that I read. Also, message boards can be great. Scary Mommy has a message board I found this year, that I wish I had found during my pregnancy. The women on these boards are really cool.
If hell freezes over, and I become pregnant again- I am totally writing a book. If you are pregnant and have any questions you want answered by a non-doctor that can talk until she's blue in the face, you can let me know. Always looking for ways to help my ladies-with humor.
In the meantime, good luck. Like I said, pregnancy is weird.
*Today's post is a little short. I am becoming acclimated to being in the real world again, after spending a week celebrating my sister's wedding- at sea. Hopefully my brain cells will return, soon.