Urbanbaby.com exists- and it's terrifying.

     I'm thinking of making blogging my livelihood.  It seems possible.  I've made $42.00 so far, so with the right planning, I can probably quit my job by next spring.   
     Since I've started trying to build my Mommy empire, I have become aware of how important it is to check out the "Mommysphere."   You know, all the wonderful sites that we Mommies go to for advice, camaraderie, blah, blah, blah. 

    Some of them are really amazing.  No, really- they aren't.   Most of them are just one sponsored post after the next- an epic rainstorm of cash that I am praying will shower over me one day.  I mean, I'll plug anything, really, if it means that I don't have to open another bottle of wine and carefully determine how much you need in your glass- throughout your meal.  It is a complicated dance folks.  And it's wearing me down.

     Clearly, I'm about as far as you can be from the sponsored-posting avalanche of cash.  The most important thing for me, is getting the word out,  and writing things that people are entertained by.  So of course, I should do my homework, right?  I decided to get on the baby boards, and see what was on the minds of the Mommies of America. 

     I Googled some message boards for Moms, and a landslide of sites came up.  One stood out;   

Urbanbaby.com.    

    Urbanbaby.com.  What do you think of when you see these words?  I immediately pictured a woman, holding her baby, ascending four flights of stairs to her crappy apartment.  Basically- I saw myself.  To me,  these words said,  Come hither tired mother of the city.  We will show you the lightest strollers,  the most compact changing stations, and provide a never ending list of all of the free ways to entertain your baby in your urban oasis.   Basically, I imagined a site that would be a great resource for me- and my urban baby.

Boy, was I wrong.

Did Joan Crawford write this poll?

    Urbanbaby.com is filled with a bunch of rich, entitled, Mothers- who hate their kids.  It's incredible.
    Yes, that poll was actually on their homepage.  This site is powered by crazy.  The more I read it, the more incensed I got.  It took every shred of self control that I possess not to make a profile, just so I could respond to these women.  I mean, there should be a warning before you enter it, you know like they have on porn sites?  Except instead of saying,  Adult material, you must be 18 or over to enter.  Please verify that you are 18 here,  it should say, Everyone on this site is blissfully unaware of the recession and has no idea how it feels to every once and a while have to eat potatoes for dinner because you can't afford anything else.  Really, they have never, ever, had to do that.  And their dogs wear more expensive clothes than you.  Are you sure your head won't explode if you continue?


     But, there was no warning.  So, I continued.  I decided it would be counter productive to yell at these women, because they would probably just pay to have me killed.  So instead, I'm responding to  some of their forum posts, on the safety of my own site.  The following are actual posts pulled from that site- I promise, I could never make this stuff up.  


 Entitled, Delusional Mom   I cant stop crying.  I'm tired of NYC- grew up here as did my [husband]*. We had privileged lives.  However, the last 2 years he has only brought in $100,000 which is nothing here.  Our apartment is too small- 1000 sq ft.  We have one child.  I work part time.  Our lives are deceptive because my parents help us a lot- but even they don't know how little my [husband] makes.  No clue what to do.  I'm devastated that our daughter won't be going to private school.  I feel like we have failed her.  And I'm so angry at my [husband] for making so little- which I realize is not completely rational but I can't help it.  I feel like I have been denied the life I was supposed to have.
 *You'll notice I used the word husband in brackets.  That is because on most mommy boards, there is this crazy, involved acronym system.  DH stands for dear husband.  SO stands for significant other, DD stands for dear daughter- the list goes on and on.  Why in God's name anyone would bother memorizing all of this ridiculous shit instead of just typing out the word is a mystery to me.   So here I put [husband] where DH was- so that you all would know what the hell she was talking about.


Guerrilla Mom  Um, you still have a privileged life, clearly, because you are bitching about having to work part time, and riding your husband for only making $100,000 a year.  Get a grip. The one, bright, shining light- in your otherwise black existence- is that your daughter might be saved from turning out to be as big of an asshole as yourself, by being around some normal, public school kids.



EDM  Sorry to clog up Urban Baby, but I'm the one going to the Obama fundraiser.  How about these dresses?  Yes?  No?  Problem is, I don't know if I can run out and find these dresses on time, but I'll try!  [Insert list of dresses here, that each cost more than my rent].


GM  Fuck off.



EDM  My 2 year old is out of control!  I'm thinking of sending him to my husband's aunt for the summer so she can work with him.  He doesn't know her- would that be really traumatic?

GM  Sending your two year old to a total stranger for the summer?  No, that won't be traumatic at all.  Can anybody say lifetime of abandonment issues?  


Yes, Urbanbaby.com exists- and it's terrifying.  If you don't believe me, go check it out for yourself.