Monday, February 6, 2012

Wearing your baby - the best way to show the world that you've got the mothering thing, down!

I had a very clear mental image of the new mother I would be.

Gallivanting around town, with my child expertly wrapped around my torso.  Do they make that baby wrap in cashmere? Great,  I'd like it in tan, please.   Big sunglasses and Venti Starbucks in hand to signify that yes, this motherhood thing is doing a number on my beauty sleep! Stylish diaper bag draped over my shoulder.  Escalade keys in hand.  Heels. 

Wait.  I don't own heels, or a car.  Who is this woman in my head?
I think it's Jessica Alba, maybe?  Doesn't matter.  Insert name of beautiful celebrity here- sashaying around town, wearing her baby.  Shopping.  Laughing.  Using both hands.  If she could do it - so could I!  People magazine duped me into believing that the "baby wearing" thing was easy.

People magazine was wrong.

                                     She's got baby, coffee and laundry.  No prob.              


The baby wrap.   How else would I go about my life, seamlessly fitting my new infant into it?  Look world, even though I'm now wearing an infant everywhere I go, nothing about my life has changed! Have you ever seen a specimen so suited for motherhood?  That was what the baby wrap always said to me.  I would definitely be using one.

After weeks and weeks of reading reviews and doing research, I decided on- and registered for- the Moby.  It was one of the first baby gifts to arrive- and man, oh man, was I excited!  Until I realized that you basically needed an engineering degree to extricate this thing from its packaging.   It sort of resembled a - hmm, how to best describe this?  Imagine the Keebler Elves having a pajama party,  getting really stoned, and having a contest about who could roll and bind the tightest sleeping bag.  That is what the Moby wrap looked like- an elfin sleeping bag. And those little stoned elves are really good at rolling things up.

I was 8 months pregnant.  Trying to wrestle that thing out of its packaging, without destroying the packaging, was almost impossible.  But I was smart enough at that point to realize the wrap might not be for me, and I should keep it in a returnable state.  After 10 minutes of this, I was sweating and crying.   Finally - I made some headway, and began to roll the wrap out of its casing.  I started at my bedroom.  At the time,  we lived in the traditional, shoebox shaped, floor-through apartment.  This thing rolled from my bedroom, which was in the back of the house, all the way through the kitchen, and to the living room - which was in the front of the house.  I would say that was about 20 feet, at least.  What the hell is going on?  Why is this thing 20 feet long?  How am I supposed to fashion this thing into the neatly bound picture they show on the label?  Is this some kind of sick joke?

Of course I turned to Google in my time of need.  Google fixes all of my problems- it would fix this one too.  It diverted me to a youtube video of a man, calmly wrapping 20 feet of modal cotton over his shoulders, around his waist, and securely fancying it around his infant child.   He wasn't sweating.  He didn't seem to be terrified.  You tube was mocking me.  This dude, with no maternal instinct whatsoever, could do it.  Damn it, so could I!

The frenzied wrapping began.  This way? Too loose!  That way? Too long!  Maybe this way? I look like a fat hippy!  I CAN'T DO THIS!  AND THERE'S NOT EVEN A BABY IN IT YET!  SHIIIITTTT!

My baby wasn't even born, and I was failing already.  I'll spare you the details of what it was like getting that baby accessory from hell back into it's rolled state.   It wasn't pretty.

Needless to say, I returned it.  I decided on an one of those carriers that looks like an ugly backpack. It wasn't stylish.  I didn't look cute on me - at all.  It was functional, and comfortable - and Lucien felt really secure in it.

Moral of the story - thanks for the inferiority complex, baby wrap.

Oh, and also, never look to People magazine for functional advice about anything. 


21 comments:

  1. Hahahahah I never had one of those insane pieces of fabric wraps- I had ye ol' bjorn and this mom-made sling I was always afraid my children would suffocate in and I basically only wore them to vacuum and/or so my children would stop effing screaming for 10 minutes- functional sure- I could look tired as shit without a baby on my hip, instead they were on my chest.

    Well said my Momma friend- another share for me to pass on!

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  2. I fell into that trap as well. Unfortunately I was not as careful with the packaging and convinced that I could make it work...yeah, right.

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    1. I'm not sure the blood, sweat, and tears I put into returning that thing was even worth it!

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  3. hi Maria! i just found your blog today and i love it! its so refreshing to read about another new mom that thinks/feels the same way about motherhood that i do...i love my daughter more that anything but being a single mom is hard and sometimes i really need a break! anyway, like i said, love your blog and ill definitely be following it and i told all my other mom friends to join up and read it too!

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    1. Thank you so much! How did you find it? I'm glad you can relate- and I really appreciate you taking the time to say something nice! xo

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  4. oh and btw i got one of those stupid slings too, i think it was by this brand called Seven..yeah i tried it and couldnt get my baby in there w/o feeling like she was folded in half or going to suffocate! i only tried it once then i just used my baby bjorn and that worked way better thank goodness...

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  5. This is hilarious! I've gone through a Moby, Baby Bjorn, and a Ring Sling. I feel like an idiot every time I wear the nugget. I've since decided I'm not the stylish mama who baby wears and I'm more the mama who loves her stroller. Love your blog!

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  6. LOL. Yeah, the baby-wearing thing looks SO nice in photos. I attempted a bit of it with my first. I heard good things about the Moby also, and I registered for one with my second baby. Then I read a bunch of reviews that sounded about like your experience (although not nearly as funny. ha!). I took it off my registry and bought a mei tai carrier. It worked okay with my LO, but having to tie shit up every time I used it was annoying. Then I bought an Ergo, and I am finally in love with baby-wearing. But not for 100% of my life...just when the need comes up.

    p.s. I am visiting from Baby Center (March 2011 mom too!).

    p.p.s. The stupid 7 sling thing was good for helping me hold the baby when I was in a lake last summer. :) That's about it.

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    1. Damn, they do look so good in photos, don't they? Oh well. I love babycenter, but they don't love blogs(not sure why)- so I probably won't be posting links anymore- I keep getting mixed messages about whether I am allowed to post or not! Please still read and pass on to your mama friends...xoxo

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  7. I also found you from babycenter - someone posted a link to one of your posts and I've been hooked! You are so refreshing - especially for those of us who think we're doing it wrong because we don't/didn't wear our baby, breastfeed for a year...etc etc. Thanks, keep them coming!

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    1. I will for sure. I keep getting hate mail from babycenter, so I don't think i'll be able to link to my blog from there anymore! Please keep reading and pass on to your mama friends!

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  8. I absolutely hate my Moby. Too much damn fabric and I really don't have the time to sit and wrap it around myself with a screaming infant. Then we got a Boba, and holy shit, this thing is AWESOME! My husband will wear the baby too, if he (baby) will let him. I'm thankful that the Moby was a gift from my registry. I'd be pissed if I spent the money on it myself.

    I found you through a link to your "Your Child is acting like an a-hole" post on Reddit. Keep up the great posts!

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    1. I checked to make sure I wasn't exaggerating too much- it really is almost 20 feet of fabric!

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  9. Hi Maria, just wanted to say this is one of the funniest and well written blog that I've come across in a while.

    Some of your posts had me spitting out my coffee on to the computer screen...and my child. (It's his own fault for getting in the way)

    Brilliant stuff! :)

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  10. OMFG! I went through this exact same scenario. I thought I would have it down and that it would let me get more things done aorund the house like other mothers have claimed. I was soooo wrong. It took myself and my 15 yo brother-in-law to try to figure the stupid thing out. We ended up returning it in a half torn box. Now I have a Seven Sling and I actually love it!
    I just found this blog today, funny enough, from Respect The Breast page I belong too. Haha. You are My new favorite blog!

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    1. Ha- thanks! I totally should have tried one of those slings- I'm not sure why I thought I would be capable enough to wrap that thing around myself and my child. Lesson learned.

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  11. Hilarious! I actually loved my Moby but I had to take a lesson (the lady around here who sells them teaches a class) in how to wrap it. Not easy. Ask me how I did with one of those slings that you always see the card carrying La Leche League members wearing. Wanted one so bad but every time I put my baby in one he collapsed in on himself and tried to scream but then couldn't because his face was pressed into his chest. Had to take him out before he suffocated.

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