Friday, February 3, 2012

Sorry crazy billionaire- you're gonna die, too.

I can't make this stuff up.

I was stealing a rare moment of peace and quiet last week, when my best friend/boss/gay husband called.  I work for him in his restaurant, and he has a habit of calling me during the day to discuss the night service. 
"Um, there's an interesting situation happening tonight."
"Okay, what?"
"There's a man coming in.  He's pretty well known, and... eccentric.  I don't really know where to start."
"He's an 87 year old billionaire- like, Forbes list and everything."
"Yeah, so?"
"He's got a quirky little thing about him.  His third wife died of cancer, and ever since, he's kinda been the poster child for healthy eating.  He wants to live to be 125 years old.  He hates excess fat- and that applies to people, too.  He's been known to push butter off the table in restaurants yelling, "Get this death away from me!"  He's also been known to accost strangers about their weight."

"What are you getting at here?  That I'm too fat to wait on this guy and he's going to insult me?  I'll tell you right now you had better not have me wait on him.  You had better not.  There is no way in hell I'm letting some rich old bastard insult me.  It ain't happening.  Do you hear what I am saying to you? There is no way that I can guarantee that I won't respond with,  Listen old man, I'm fifty years younger than you.  Five- zero.  I could eat chicken Mcnuggets for breakfast, lunch, and dinner- for the rest of my life- and I'd still dance on your grave. Okay?  I can't guarantee that."

"Um, I was going to ask you to be prepared to wait on him, but- never mind."

What is it with rich people?  There was an email involved, meticulously outlining what needed to be available for this man to eat, among other things.   ...he has very picky tastes and wanted to make sure the service would be "quick and to the point."  He's a vegetarian and also specified needing "cold water fish."  I was hoping you might be there tonight to be their "point person" to handle any issues that might arise.  Or is there someone else there I can let them know will be on hand?  Yes, there will be a "point person" there.  We like to refer to him as "your waiter."  Are you f-ing serious?

It's our fault that people get this way, you realize that, don't you?  If there weren't droves of "commoners" circling around these fools- responding to their every whim- they would not be able to act this way.   For some reason, people tend to think that they need to kiss the asses of the rich.  Like they are going to pay your rent, or something.  Or hand you and envelope with $40,000 in it because they like your style.  Let me squelch your dreams and save you some frustration- they're not.  Crazy people, like this man, are not going to do anything for you but treat you like a servant and demand they are given more for the exact same services everyone else gets- and for the same price.

So screw you old man.  You may have all the money in the world, but I have the only thing that you can't get back- youth and years. Oh,  and also a zest and love for life that includes eating things besides kale and "cold water fish."

I'm fifty years younger than you.  Five- zero.  I could eat chicken Mcnuggets for breakfast, lunch, and dinner- for the rest of my life- and I'd still dance on your grave.


  1. Lady you're funny. I miss serving sometimes- but I don't miss people like this!

  2. Love it! I agree with Amy. I miss being a bartender until I am reminded of people like that, or just people in general.

  3. Cannot get past the part about his THIRD wife died of cancer... THIRD? It took him 3 wives to conclude that he will die? Did he like his third wife the most or was he just glad she died first and he won? Perhaps after her death he felt that if he lives the longest he will not never ever have to give all that money away!?

  4. "he's also been know to accost strangers about their weight" wtf! where is his "handler"? these kind of people make me crazy!

    1. Totally. Frank Bruni wrote an article about him- he said something like "you'll go before me" to Frank- meaning he was going to die first!

  5. Fuck "vegetarians" who eat fish.

    Yeah, that's what I'm taking away from this.

    1. Agreed. Vegetarians that eat eggs are worse. How is a chicken embryo remotely vegetarian?

    2. Ok, technically it's not an embryo- but still. Annoying.

  6. Fuck that guy and everyone like him...