Thursday, February 23, 2012

I was the perfect parent- before I became one.

We live on top of a restaurant, and across the street from like, the loudest bar in Brooklyn.  The baby is just going to have to get used to napping around noise.  I mean, you have to live your life- there are things that have to get done.  I can't just tip toe around the house all day while he's asleep.  He'll get used to it.  Babies don't need to be in a sound proof-vacuum.  That's just ridiculous.

Fast forward about six months.  Lucien is 2 months old.  He's eating every hour and a half for forty five minutes at a time- from my boob.  He's sleeping for maybe a half an hour every 4 hours or so.  I just get him down to sleep, and think cool- I can make myself a sandwich.  Or paint my toenails.  Or do something that doesn't involve entertaining this baby, for like twenty minutes.  Phew...
Just at that moment, his father comes through the front door, on his phone.
Lucien's father, obliviously on phone- but not speaking loudly, at all:  Yeah, so, I'll talk to you later I just got ho-
Me, executing the best whisper-scream, ever: SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!  ARE YOU CRAZY?  ARE YOU STUPID? SHUUUUT UUUUPP!!!!!
End scene.

You may have some ideas about the parent you are going to be- but you are wrong.

This is terrifying.

My child will not watch TV.  They have done a million studies that say TV before the age of two is really bad.  Really bad.  That is just so lazy- the TV is not a babysitter.  What is wrong with those parents that do that?  God- lazy.  If you don't have the time, or energy, or whatever, to entertain your child- don't have one.  Seems obvious to me.

You know that stuff you do, first thing in the morning-  drinking your coffee in silence, checking your email, and reading the news?  It turns out that, after you become a parent- you still want to do it.  Can you imagine?  How selfish, huh?  Do you know what ensures that I will have approximately 23 minutes to do this stuff, without having to worry about my child?  Yo Gabba Gabba.  You don't know what that is yet, but you will.  Oh, you will.

You may have some ideas about the things you will allow- but you are wrong.

I'm just going to go the farmer's market, once a week, and stock up on organic fruits and veggies. That way I can make all of Lucien's food from scratch.  I'll just batch it out, freeze it- and thaw it out for every meal.  I'm pretty sure it will be cheaper that way.  Yup- I'm registering for the baby food processor right now.   I mean, I don't want to give him that pre-made stuff.  I'm pretty sure there's BPA in those lids- that's what I read.  I love to cook- there's no reason why I won't be able to do this.

Yeah, unless your baby refuses to eat it.  Like mine did.

When it was time for solids- I was ready.  I got the special food processor, I bought the veggies.  I finished the first batch- sweet peas.  They were delicious, a gorgeous color- all in all, a culinary masterpiece.  Lucien loved them.  Success!  Then I tried to freeze them, and serve the thawed result to him.  Turns out my child is a foodie. 
He absolutely refused to eat any of the purees that had previously been frozen.  OK, something must be wrong with my freezer, I thought.  I stocked it up with baking soda.  Nope.  No luck.  This child would not let any previously made food touch his expert palate.  Which meant that I had to make the purees fresh, every other day.
That lasted about two weeks.
Guess what passed the taste test immediately?
He still loves that crap in a jar.

You may have some ideas about what you will feed your child, but... you get the picture.

The moral of the story is, you should make the most of this time, before you have children.  You will never again, be as perfect a parent, as you are right now.


  1. I'm not even pregnant and I've already given up on the idea that I'll do home made baby food and not turn on the TV-- I'm just too lazy to do that stuff. You get a gold star from me for making it two weeks making fresh baby food!!

  2. Too true!! I have four kids and have had to let go of all my expectations, one by one. Now if I could just get rid of the guilt :)

  3. Ha! My mom's all about not being quiet around my LO, but I am so quiet when he's asleep. The only noise is the TV. Otherwise I don't even shower because the shower is right next to his bedroom and I don't want to wake him up. I also turn on the TV for a little (30-60 min) if he's just REALLY crabby or I'm trying to do something really quick. Oh well, like I said, when you're home with a baby 24/7 and no one to help you (since my husband hasn't been home since January 5th and there's no family around) you need that 30 minutes sometimes.

    I did puree his food, but once he got to where he was eating 3rd stage foods I stopped because it's too much of a PITA. Steaming and pureeing and freezing is pretty easy, but trying to make 3rd foods ahead of time isn't. So he either gets jarred 3rd foods now or I just feed him what I'm eating if I don't feel like pulling a jar out. But I didn't bother going crazy with organic, I just bought the fruit and veggies when I food shopped.

    But yea, everything is going to happen basically how your baby wants it. lol. So you think you're going to cloth diaper, baby led wean, only breast feed (which didn't happen with me, I think it was a combo of a bunch of things, not that I couldn't breast feed), etc, yea, forget it. Just go with whatever happens. Just like with your child's birth, you may want drug free and all, but you may end up with an epidural and c-section. Stuff happens, and if you expect it to be one way then you're going to be disappointed.

  4. T-minus 10 days till "D-day"! Thank you for this :) I haven't even given birth yet and I already know that there are things that ideally I'd like to go one way, but I already know that's not going to happen. So this is an idea that I'm going to have to get used to. I work in the restaurant business and if there's one thing I learned in the 10 years I've been doing it, it's that not everything is going to go the way you plan it. And I think I've done pretty well adapting that idea to the rest of my life, but having a baby is such a BIG deal that I want everything to be perfect. It's going to come down to "live and learn" with this one, I'm sure.

    1. Wooohooo! Congrats mama. Enjoy the last few days of your pregnancy. Listen, and listen closely- do not do shit for ANYONE for the next 10 days. Sleep as much as you can- and go to a movie!!

  5. so so true!!! especially the tv thing...i thought at first that my 11 month old was way too young for tv but ever since she was 3-4 months old she has loved music and dancing so we love nick jr! she loves all the music and bright colors(especially Dora, wonder pets, and team umizoomi)and i like that she will actually learn things from these shows and nick jr has no commercials. i find myself singing those ridiculous songs from those shows ALL THE TIME lol(a sure sign to anyone that hears it that i have a baby!) as for the food, there are actually lots of prepackaged organic baby food brands that are surprisingly inexpensive(Sprout is the only one i can think of right now though!)once she started eating real food though organic went out the window, but i do still feed her healthy foods :-)

  6. This post is so true!
    And my daughter also wouldn't/won't eat, and that's jar stuff included. Some things she will eat, so I'll buy more of them, and all of a sudden she refuses to eat it. I can't keep up.