Fast forward about six months. Lucien is 2 months old. He's eating every hour and a half for forty five minutes at a time- from my boob. He's sleeping for maybe a half an hour every 4 hours or so. I just get him down to sleep, and think cool- I can make myself a sandwich. Or paint my toenails. Or do something that doesn't involve entertaining this baby, for like twenty minutes. Phew...
Just at that moment, his father comes through the front door, on his phone.
Lucien's father, obliviously on phone- but not speaking loudly, at all: Yeah, so, I'll talk to you later I just got ho-
Me, executing the best whisper-scream, ever: SHUT THE FUCK UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! ARE YOU CRAZY? ARE YOU STUPID? SHUUUUT UUUUPP!!!!!
You may have some ideas about the parent you are going to be- but you are wrong.
|This is terrifying.|
My child will not watch TV. They have done a million studies that say TV before the age of two is really bad. Really bad. That is just so lazy- the TV is not a babysitter. What is wrong with those parents that do that? God- lazy. If you don't have the time, or energy, or whatever, to entertain your child- don't have one. Seems obvious to me.
You know that stuff you do, first thing in the morning- drinking your coffee in silence, checking your email, and reading the news? It turns out that, after you become a parent- you still want to do it. Can you imagine? How selfish, huh? Do you know what ensures that I will have approximately 23 minutes to do this stuff, without having to worry about my child? Yo Gabba Gabba. You don't know what that is yet, but you will. Oh, you will.
You may have some ideas about the things you will allow- but you are wrong.
I'm just going to go the farmer's market, once a week, and stock up on organic fruits and veggies. That way I can make all of Lucien's food from scratch. I'll just batch it out, freeze it- and thaw it out for every meal. I'm pretty sure it will be cheaper that way. Yup- I'm registering for the baby food processor right now. I mean, I don't want to give him that pre-made stuff. I'm pretty sure there's BPA in those lids- that's what I read. I love to cook- there's no reason why I won't be able to do this.
Yeah, unless your baby refuses to eat it. Like mine did.
When it was time for solids- I was ready. I got the special food processor, I bought the veggies. I finished the first batch- sweet peas. They were delicious, a gorgeous color- all in all, a culinary masterpiece. Lucien loved them. Success! Then I tried to freeze them, and serve the thawed result to him. Turns out my child is a foodie.
He absolutely refused to eat any of the purees that had previously been frozen. OK, something must be wrong with my freezer, I thought. I stocked it up with baking soda. Nope. No luck. This child would not let any previously made food touch his expert palate. Which meant that I had to make the purees fresh, every other day.
That lasted about two weeks.
Guess what passed the taste test immediately?
He still loves that crap in a jar.
You may have some ideas about what you will feed your child, but... you get the picture.
The moral of the story is, you should make the most of this time, before you have children. You will never again, be as perfect a parent, as you are right now.