Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Ok Gwyneth, you win. You have the coolest life. Now stop rubbing it in.

I f-ing hate Gwyneth Paltrow.
I'm pretty sure as a result of some early karmic test, she swooped in and stole my life.

You know, karma. What goes around comes around. You get what you give. More expertly defined as the force generated by a person's actions held in Hinduism and Buddhism to perpetuate transmigration and in its ethical consequences, to determine the nature of the person's existence. 

It was 1979. I was in the first grade. My friends and I were playing our usual game of lunch time role play. On the bill that day- superheroes. We were all vying for which superhero we would embody. Tim Rush came running up to the group.
"I wanna be Wonder Woman!"
"You can't be Wonder Woman!"  I roared.  "You're a boy!"
Then I did the Wonder Woman twirl, and pushed him into the dirt.
"I'm Wonder Woman!"

On a parallel playground in Bel Air (or wherever Gwyneth grew up), a child walked up to her at lunchtime.
"I'll trade you my bruised banana for your Twinkie?"
Gwyneth, ever the congenial people-pleaser, grinned and said "Ok."

My fate was sealed. The Gods intervened. I failed my karmic test, and our paths were switched.  Gwyneth would be destined to become a gorgeous movie star and media mogul who gets to have sex with Brad Pitt (clearly my path), and I would become a 38-year-old bartender.
I'm pretty sure that's how it happened, but I digress.

Back to hating Gwyneth Paltrow.

Gwyneth has a blog called GOOP. Now, first of all, rich, beautiful people who have everything should not have a blog. I may be new to this whole blog thing, but I'm pretty sure the reason people like mine so much is because I'm more broke and screwed than they are, and probably fatter. Listen, I'm not being self deprecating here- I'm just stating a fact. No one wants to be made to feel like they can't measure up. 

For example, If say to you Hey, I did this great cleanse. I gave up coffee, alcohol, sugar, wheat, and dairy for 21 days and not only did I make it through it, but it made me feel great- and I lost 10 lbs!   Your response will likely be, Wow.  Maria is a total booze hound and she loves to eat- everything. If she can do it, I can do it! Thanks Maria, for the motivation- I'm gonna try it!  

Now, imagine Gwyneth telling you the same thing (which she did, in her blog last year, which is why I'm bringing it up).  Really. Picture Gwyneth before you read the next line.  Hey, I did this great cleanse. I gave up coffee, alcohol, sugar, wheat, and dairy for 21 days and not only did I make it through it, but it made me feel great- and I lost 10 lbs! Your response would likely be,   Screw off. Have you looked in a mirror lately?And there is no way that Tracy Anderson, that little psycho-gnome trainer that follows you and Madonna around wherever you go, would let you eat sugar, wheat and dairy on the regular. Stop lying.

She divides her blog into 6 sections:  Make, Go, Get, Do, Be, See.  If you don't want to punch her in the face after reading those ridiculous headers, stop reading this blog right now.  
I browsed through and decided to explore GET, due to a "Holiday Gift Ideas" headline.  I need those! Super. What should I buy my loved ones, Gwyneth?

Abernathy Road sells ultra-masculine leather goods made by Colonel Littleton of Tenessee. The majority of their pieces can be embossed or come with a personalized brass plate at no additional cost.  iPhone Pocket Journal - $372.  Saddlebag Briefcase - $610.  Grip Bag - $825   Leather Journal - $142.  Leather Flyswatter - $52.50.
No Additional cost! Great! Like I would give a shit about an additional cost if I had enough disposable income to buy a leather fly swatter and a $400 iPhone holder. Do you see? Her evil is passive aggressive. She's laughing at us. She knows we can't afford any of this stuff.  She smiles, she's super sweet, and she's BFF's with Jay-Z and Mario Batali - but her heart is black as night.

Or maybe she's just a very nice, likable woman, with really expensive taste. 

Karma is a bitch.


  1. Bahahaaaa! A friend turned me on to Goop last year. After reading it, I texted her, "You do know she's mocking us, right?"

  2. That was hilarious. I literally laughed at loud sitting at my office desk.

  3. I'd like to punch her in the nether regions... but I'd probably break her...

  4. If Gwyneth is mocking us, then I think I would have to like her, just a little.

  5. Hahaha this is so true. Why would I take advice from someone with a shit ton of money? We're broke most of the time. Lol. Or who says they lost tons of weight (all the new celebrity moms) but they don't tell you they have a dietician, personal trainer, and a nanny to help them. I read Kendra's book and she talked about having a night nurse so she could get sleep. Yet she's giving me advice about being a mom? I don't have all that money for all organic food for him and I had tons of nights I little sleep because I didn't have a night nurse so I could sleep at night. And wherever we go baby goes because we don't have the money to hire a nanny so we can have date nights. It makes me wonder where in their minds they think this is advice for every day moms with little income.

    1. Night nurse- hilarious! What I would have given for that!! I was crazy, bananas sleep deprived for at least a year. And yeah, we haven't had a date since my mom was in town- about 3 months ago.

  6. Very much enjoyed your blog... not finished... but neither are you! Excellent!! Thomas

  7. Oh, I hate her too, and Kathy Griffin said she's a rude, stuck-up snob in person. (I adore KG.) Also, her mother, Blythe Danner, was a San Francisco debutante before becoming an actress. Nothing karmic about it; Gwyneth has been set since birth. She probably had a platinum rattle. So you can feel totally justified in hating her and her ridiculous fake English accent.

  8. Leather fly swatter, I have one of those, it's an old slipper, and I got it for free at a yard sale, so there.

  9. I have just discovered you and your brilliant blog thanks to a wonderful and rather like minded friend. I rest at night knowing that Gwynnies life is one void of true love & true friends who accept you faults and all. This blonde X-ray of a woman is gonna burn out soon exhausted from trying to be something no one aspires to be.

    PS You're still cool..

  10. What kind of "regular mom" names their kid Apple??
    So you see... there may be a little brain damage going on there. Saddlebag briefcase... what the fuck is that?

    1. Someone once told me that one day Apple and Michael Jackson's kid "Blanket" were going to get together and have a kid named "Picnic Basket"
      That was awesome.
      and yes...she is not right in the head.
      I had no idea she was talking w/ a fake english accent. Who does she think she is? Madonna?