I'm pretty sure as a result of some early karmic test, she swooped in and stole my life.
You know, karma. What goes around comes around. You get what you give. More expertly defined as the force generated by a person's actions held in Hinduism and Buddhism to perpetuate transmigration and in its ethical consequences, to determine the nature of the person's existence.
It was 1979. I was in the first grade. My friends and I were playing our usual game of lunch time role play. On the bill that day- superheroes. We were all vying for which superhero we would embody. Tim Rush came running up to the group.
"I wanna be Wonder Woman!"
"You can't be Wonder Woman!" I roared. "You're a boy!"
Then I did the Wonder Woman twirl, and pushed him into the dirt.
"I'm Wonder Woman!"
On a parallel playground in Bel Air (or wherever Gwyneth grew up), a child walked up to her at lunchtime.
"I'll trade you my bruised banana for your Twinkie?"
Gwyneth, ever the congenial people-pleaser, grinned and said "Ok."
My fate was sealed. The Gods intervened. I failed my karmic test, and our paths were switched. Gwyneth would be destined to become a gorgeous movie star and media mogul who gets to have sex with Brad Pitt (clearly my path), and I would become a 38-year-old bartender.
I'm pretty sure that's how it happened, but I digress.
Back to hating Gwyneth Paltrow.
Gwyneth has a blog called GOOP. Now, first of all, rich, beautiful people who have everything should not have a blog. I may be new to this whole blog thing, but I'm pretty sure the reason people like mine so much is because I'm more broke and screwed than they are, and probably fatter. Listen, I'm not being self deprecating here- I'm just stating a fact. No one wants to be made to feel like they can't measure up.
For example, If say to you Hey, I did this great cleanse. I gave up coffee, alcohol, sugar, wheat, and dairy for 21 days and not only did I make it through it, but it made me feel great- and I lost 10 lbs! Your response will likely be, Wow. Maria is a total booze hound and she loves to eat- everything. If she can do it, I can do it! Thanks Maria, for the motivation- I'm gonna try it!
Now, imagine Gwyneth telling you the same thing (which she did, in her blog last year, which is why I'm bringing it up). Really. Picture Gwyneth before you read the next line. Hey, I did this great cleanse. I gave up coffee, alcohol, sugar, wheat, and dairy for 21 days and not only did I make it through it, but it made me feel great- and I lost 10 lbs! Your response would likely be, Screw off. Have you looked in a mirror lately?And there is no way that Tracy Anderson, that little psycho-gnome trainer that follows you and Madonna around wherever you go, would let you eat sugar, wheat and dairy on the regular. Stop lying.
She divides her blog into 6 sections: Make, Go, Get, Do, Be, See. If you don't want to punch her in the face after reading those ridiculous headers, stop reading this blog right now.
I browsed through and decided to explore GET, due to a "Holiday Gift Ideas" headline. I need those! Super. What should I buy my loved ones, Gwyneth?
Abernathy Road sells ultra-masculine leather goods made by Colonel Littleton of Tenessee. The majority of their pieces can be embossed or come with a personalized brass plate at no additional cost. iPhone Pocket Journal - $372. Saddlebag Briefcase - $610. Grip Bag - $825 Leather Journal - $142. Leather Flyswatter - $52.50.No Additional cost! Great! Like I would give a shit about an additional cost if I had enough disposable income to buy a leather fly swatter and a $400 iPhone holder. Do you see? Her evil is passive aggressive. She's laughing at us. She knows we can't afford any of this stuff. She smiles, she's super sweet, and she's BFF's with Jay-Z and Mario Batali - but her heart is black as night.
Or maybe she's just a very nice, likable woman, with really expensive taste.
Karma is a bitch.