"You Googled it, didn't you?" I asked.
"Um, well- what?"
"You Googled it. My son's rash. You Googled it."
"Well, uh... Would you describe it as blotchy, or raised?"
"Just forget it."
|Well, I do.|
There is virtually nothing that Google can't tell us. Really. Nothing. There are no questions anymore. Everything we need to know is at our fingertips. Why is Monsanto evil? Who was the President in 1904? How many calories are in 8 Oreos? Why can't you mix Bleach and 409? How far is it from my house to the KFC on Atlantic Avenue- and can you give me the quickest route? In a car. Oh, and on foot. Well, maybe we'll take the subway- give me those, too.
Obviously, I also use advice from the all-knowing Google to parent my child. I mean really, who the hell else would I trust? No one is as smart as Google. Except maybe Wikipedia, but I don't want to have to read that much. Parenting books may be the obvious choice, but have you seen those things? I bought one called "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child." It was 544 pages long. Um, my child isn't sleeping. I haven't even had the time to shave my legs in 3 months. And I'm so sleep deprived I don't even have the attention span to get through an episode of TMZ. Do you honestly think I can make it through your napping opus? The answer is no, I can't. Thanks for nothing.
That is why Google is so perfect. It is instant gratification and information. When Lucien was 6 months old he had a weird cough. I actually Googled "Baby 6 months weird cough" and every scenario and home remedy I could possibly want was immediately at my fingertips. Awesome. I can confidently assert that I have become a baby-rearing genius, all on the merits of my proficiency at Googling.
The only downfall that I can think of is that I am really starting to annoy the shit out of my husband. I'd like to say that I'm not sure why, but it's probably because I am constantly giving him tips and correcting his parenting. Don't let Lucien fall asleep with the bottle in his mouth! Google image 'bottle rot.' It's disgusting. Make sure it's in quotes. Don't say no all the time, it will lose its meaning. Its really just negative attention, and he can't differentiate between negative attention and positive attention yet. He just craves attention. Just ignore him. Google says around 15 months they go down to one nap a day. That's why he's waking up every night at 3 am for about 3 hours. It's totally normal. Don't give him honey yet. He'll get botulism.
Last week he got sick of my nagging. I knew the day would come.
"Maria, I raised my two baby sisters and a daughter, remember?"
"Yeah, but you didn't have Google then, so how could you possibly know if you were doing it right?"
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