Sunday, January 29, 2012

I'm googling how to raise my child. That can't be right.

    I took Lucien to the pediatrician last summer because he had this really weird rash under his arm that wouldn't go away.   The pediatrician looked at it for a minute, then left the room to "check something."  I heard tapping away on a keyboard.  She came back, visibly confused.
"You Googled it, didn't you?"  I asked.
"Um, well- what?"
"You Googled it.  My son's rash.  You Googled it."
"Well, uh...  Would you describe it as blotchy, or raised?"
"Just forget it."

Well, I do.

      There is virtually nothing that Google can't tell us.  Really.  Nothing.  There are no questions anymore.  Everything we need to know is at our fingertips.  Why is Monsanto evil?   Who was the President in 1904?  How many calories are in 8 Oreos?   Why can't you mix Bleach and 409?  How far is it from my house to the KFC on Atlantic Avenue- and can you give me the quickest route?  In a car.  Oh, and on foot.  Well, maybe we'll take the subway- give me those, too.

    Obviously, I also use advice from the all-knowing Google to parent my child.  I mean really, who the hell else would I trust?  No one is as smart as Google.  Except maybe Wikipedia, but I don't want to have to read that much.  Parenting books may be the obvious choice, but have you seen those things?  I bought one called "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child."  It was 544 pages long.  Um, my child isn't sleeping.  I haven't even had the time to shave my legs in 3 months.  And I'm so sleep deprived I don't even have the attention span to get through an episode of TMZ.  Do you honestly think I can make it through your napping opus?  The answer is no, I can't.  Thanks for nothing.

    That is why Google is so perfect.  It is instant gratification and information.  When Lucien was 6 months old he had a weird cough.  I actually Googled "Baby 6 months weird cough"  and every scenario and home remedy I could possibly want was immediately at my fingertips.  Awesome.  I can confidently assert that I have become a baby-rearing genius, all on the merits of my proficiency at Googling.  

     The only downfall that I can think of is that I am really starting to annoy the shit out of my husband.  I'd like to say that I'm not sure why, but it's probably because I  am constantly giving him tips and correcting his parenting.  Don't let Lucien fall asleep with the bottle in his mouth!  Google image 'bottle rot.'  It's disgusting.  Make sure it's in quotes.  Don't say no all the time, it will lose its meaning.  Its really just negative attention, and he can't differentiate between negative attention and positive attention yet.  He just craves attention. Just ignore him.  Google says around 15 months they go down to one nap a day.  That's why he's waking up every night at 3 am for about 3 hours.  It's totally normal.  Don't give him honey yet.  He'll get botulism. 

     Last week he got sick of my nagging.  I knew the day would come.
     "Maria, I raised my two baby sisters and a daughter, remember?"
     "Yeah, but you didn't have Google then, so how could you possibly know if you were doing it right?"

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  1. Lol. Google is evil too. Your baby could have a simple rash that just needs steroid creams and you'll google rashes and all the sudden he has a life threatening disorder. Although I'd hope if your dr doesn't know they'd send you to a dermatologist, they specialize in that area for a reason. I use google a lot too, but I try to not let it diagnose something for me. I did that at first and thought he had acid reflux when he really had horrible colic and it was hurting him. The dr diagnosed that.

    1. I google everything! I just can't help myself. I try to never go to web md- i'm way too much of a hypochondriac for that!

  2. hahaha! Welcome to the Club,my dear!!!!

  3. I had a very similar scenario at my son's pediatrician's office when he was 2 years old. He had a strange rash on his foot that looked kind of like a cross between warts and blisters and it was beginning to spread. Gross, and for my son, painful. It took 3 professionals looking at it and then exiting the room for several minutes before they came back to say "we THINK it's shingles" which he would have gotten because they gave him the chicken pox shot when I SPECIFICALLY told them not to.

    Flash forward to 3 years later, my son still has some of these bumps on his legs, but the doctors assure me that they are nothing to worry about and they will go away on their own. Just don't let him pick at them.


    Maybe I should try Googling it. I'm sure I'm more proficient at it than someone who went to medical school. >.<

  4. You should also keep in mind that google is only as trustworthy as humanity is on the whole. 90% of America once thought Iraq was behind 9/11 once upon a time. Similarly, Google can facilitate extraordinarily bad information just as well as it can deliver truth.

  5. Anonymous @ 8:09 is it possible that your son's rash is molluscum? It's a fairly common skin virus that looks like warts and blisters. If it's not around in your area (spreads easily child to child), doctors may not be familiar with it. I'd never heard of it till my sister's kids got it. It itches, too, and that's how it spreads.

    @ Maria--you're hilarious! Just tonight I said to my husband something about how I know my family isn't as reliable as Google when it comes to raising kids, but family and books we're all people had for advice before the Internet. He uses Google for info about our son. I call my mom or a sister. :)

  6. Hahahaha - I frequently read other peoples blog posts, panic about my parenting skills and try and discuss it with my husband. Today my husband emailed me your post - do you think he is trying to tell me something! Maybe I should google it.
    After reading this post I looked at some of your others - and wet myself laughing, your blog is hilarious. love it

  7. Whahaha. I got a sinus infection and my ENT refused to give me the name of the bacteria causing the problem because he knew I'd google it as soon as I got home, and he kept insisting it was fine in my nose... not so much anywhere else!

  8. Oh my goodness. That's kinda scary and hilarious!! =)

  9. I LOVE it! I google everything too.

    My latest google research was google images of spider bites in children...SCARY (just like my sons bite- but not nearly half as bad as the visions that appeared on my screen!!!)

    Not all google research is equal!!! LOL

  10. Hahaha. Great post! During the course of the first year of motherhood, I actually googled: "Will I ever sleep again?" "Id my husband TRYING to wake the sleeping baby" and "How dare you?"

    Happy SITS Day!

  11. I know exactly what you mean! My husband has never googled a single parenting tip— enough said. Very funny! Visiting from SITS, can't wait to read your other posts.


    Chic Shades of Green

  12. Makes total sense. How wise you are.

  13. So true! I google many things! Who knew that we would get so much information from a source that sounds like a sound a baby would make? Stopping in from SITS :)

  14. Nice post. Google I think is replacing phoning the doctor's nurse. It helps to know if you need to go to the doctor. Happy SITS Day.

  15. So true! How can I feel so much smarter (and then again, dumb) with Google. But can't live without it anymore.

  16. And now with smart phones, you can google from anywhere! I love it! And I use Google quite often to prove my husband wrong. He just loves it...

  17. I have a love-hate relationship with Google! I love all the information but it usually convinces me that some how my small cut is going to give me Ebola and I will die.

    Totally enjoying your blog... came over from SITS!

  18. Haha, very nice, I'm so happy there will be things like google and wiki when I eventually have my own kids, lol probably there will be an app for just about any child rearing question I could ever have!

    Happy SITS day

  19. Love it!!! Google saved me from hysteria one night when I was convinced my six month old had pinworms or something! She had all these black little squigglies in her poo (sorry for the TMI) - turns out, my mom fed her a real banana (squished up) and thankfully, others had had the same experience!! Also got a tremendous laugh (and probably put on an FBI watch list!) when we googled "kid humping pillow like dog" because that's what my son was doing. Turns out it's very normal!!! And a good way to laugh like you've never laughed before as you read some of the stories!! LOL... good times for parents!

  20. Oh how true this is! My only problem is when I search for something like my kid's sore throat, I end up learning that it could be the result of the common cold or he could be dying from the plague! Sometimes I find out more than I really want to! :) Congrats on being featured on SITS - I'm heading up the page to follow!

  21. :D I google just about everything. It's my best buddy.

  22. I've long said that Google has replaced even my own mother. I now refer to the Big G as Google-Momma. My son is almost 24 years old, so when he was young, I had to rely on calling up mom for answers (are you SURE this puke is supposed to be that color?). Now? I just ask the G-Momma. She knows it all.

  23. Too funny. Google has become a verb. Just Google it... Love your blog, you're funny! Stopping by from SITS.

    Tracy at NoMakeupRequired

  24. Very true. Google does give me a very wide explanation of what I want to know. It's very easy and accessible. Information doesn't need to be expensive and hard to look for anymore. :)

    Saying hi from SITS! I hope you can also visit my blog at


  25. You had me laughing after reading your post because I counld really relate to what you are saying about Googling everything. I love it! I have used Google to help me find information, look up ideas for birthday parties for my kids, and more. I would die withou Google. Lol. I am so thankful we live in a time where we have that resource. I can only imagine what they did prior to having Google. I can relate when you were talking about how the doctor didn't have a clue what was wrong with your child. I, too, have experienced that. My son had a rash on every knuckle on his fingers in the same spot. They thought it was cool but didn't know what it was. Great! I turn to Google first when I need somthing.

    FYI: Coming to you from SITS. Good luck with your blog. I love your posts.

    Inspiring Young Moms

  26. Still...I want my doctor to know more than Google. Probably not fair, but true.