I'll never get this toddler to stop screaming
How is this my life? Where is its meaning?
I'm gonna lose it before we even get the tree,
It's Christmas -
How will I make it? Someone help me.
It's holiday time,
And on Facebook I find
Girls I haven't seen since high school
Losing their minds.
What is this thing that's making them crazy?
Are they all stupid or am I just lazy?
|Pinterest/ Chrissy Segroves|
What's with this Elf - is it supposed to be artsy?
Can someone please tell me why he's f**king Barbie?
I really don't get it.
I really must know,
There's got to be a catch -
Oh my god! That one's doing blow.
|Pinterest/ Wendy Bentien|
Is this for kids,
Or for perverts?
What is the deal?
How much effort to exert?
It turns out some genius duo of mothers,
Packaged this thing
For the rest of us suckers -
Lining up to pay thirty dollars for peace of mind,
That comes with tricking kids into being kind.
Some think he's merely a prop for the Pinterest show-off
but he's Santa's Gestapo -
I mean - helper - cough, cough.
|Pinterest/ Tyler Yoder|
and the whole concept creepy
But when your child behaves
You'll almost get weepy.
This kid's finally listening
It's the evil little elf!
Yuck, the whole concept is sickening.
My child really believes
the Elf returns at dawn
After reporting to Santa
Am I raising a moron?
I really don't care if it means that I get
Five minutes of silence after yelling
"Santa doesn't like that!"
Elf on the Shelf - It's 1984 meets Beanie Babies
My poor child's under a microscope
I'm probably going to Hades.
He can't even touch his brand new toy
Because the thing "loses its magic"
If handled with joy.
Damn you, evil geniuses!
Why didn't I think of this first?
Let's stop pretending it's fun,
It's really the worst.
Another parenting failure - I'll add it to the list
At least you won't see his alter-ego on Pinterest
My Elf's a feminist.