Thursday, April 3, 2014

Day Care Bans Three-Year-Old For Cursing, Parents Everywhere Are Sh**ting Themselves





A three-year-old at Jubilee Child Development Center in San Antonio was expelled from her day care for saying a curse word. As a parent who has a child who soaks up all things inappropriate like a sponge, this makes me very nervous.
The little girl said, “shit.” When her mother asked her what she said, she said “animal.”
The little girl’s mother, Cassandra Wright, told her local news station she doesn’t use that word at home and isn’t quite sure where she got it. Before I had kids, I may have rolled my eyes at this statement. Now, I totally get it. I’m already having trouble with my three-year-old saying “shut up” – and he’s said a few curse words before. Thankfully the curse words haven’t stuck. But I understand the whole “I don’t know where she got it” argument, I really do.
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Monday, March 31, 2014

An Open Letter To Parents Who Write Open Letters To Other Parents After Observing Them For Five Minutes

Dear Parent Who Writes Open Letters To Other Parents After Observing Them For Five Minutes,
How did you get so smug? It’s an honest question really, I always veer on the side of “I’m not really sure what I’m doing” so I wanted to see how the other half lives. It must be a real brain-drain to run around dissecting everyone’s parenting all day long. I would love to benefit from your wisdom – since you are clearly perfect – but I’m too busy wading through all of your superiority to really pay attention to your point.
You’re disgusted by the man who snaps at his son in line at Walmart. I was going to ask you if you’ve ever been to a Walmart, but clearly you have since you’re judging him from the checkout lane. Do you not understand how annoying Walmart can be? You may have thought it was the cutest thing ever when his son was asking him about juice boxes, but you really have no idea how many times he’s heard that phrase today, do you? Not every moment is teachable. Sometimes we’re just tired and want to get home and want our kids to stop asking us about juice for five fucking seconds. Surely you can understand that, can’t you?
Or the lady who dares to look at her cell phone while out with her kids – she’s terrible isn’t she? Surely you understand that the kids are at a park and should be able to entertain themselves for five minutes without being entertained by their mom, right? When I shot a couple kids out of my vagina, did I sign an invisible pact to stare at them lovingly every minute of every day? If I knew that was part of the deal I would have told everyone up front that I would fail miserably at this whole parenting thing...
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Friday, March 28, 2014

A 12 Step Program For Dealing With Toddlers Driving You To The Brink At Bedtime

People use 12 step programs to help them through the most difficult situations – it only makes sense that exhausted parents may be able to carve some steps out for themselves to deal with the most difficult part of parenting young children; bedtime.
Step 1: Admit you are powerless.
You just agree to read a bedtime story for the 13th time. You are failing.
Step 2: Believe that a power greater than yourself could restore you to sanity.


Watch Scandal with the volume turned all the way up through headphones on your computer whilst ignoring your crying child.
Step 3: Turn to your peers who have struggled with the same problem.
Read countless advice articles until your eyes roll back into your head. Your toddler will still be awake, by the way.
Step 4: Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself.
“I suck at this whole parenting thing. Maybe his daycare teacher will make up for it.”
Step 5: Admit to another human being the exact nature of your wrongs.
“Hi mom – it’s me. I’d like to apologize for the first three years of my existence on this earth…”
Step 6: Admit you are flawed.
Give up on the whole sleep idea and let your toddler out of bed.


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Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Hobby Lobby’s Employees Will Have To Fashion Their Birth Control Out Of Modge Podge And Doilies

Hobby Lobby – famous purveyor of worthless crap – doesn’t want to pay for its employees birth control. They are a religious company and they are very offended by emergency contraceptives and also IUD’s. My eyes are rolling so far back in my head right now it’s going to be hard to finish this article.
Their case has actually gone to the U.S. Supreme Court where it is under review today. Hobby Lobby said that it would have to pay more than $1 million a day in fines if it violates the Affordable Care Act as written. Well I have an idea! Don’t violate it.
The Affordable Care Act states that companies need to provide health care that covers all forms of contraception at no cost. But the owners of Hobby Lobby filed a lawsuit and said that this conflicts with their religious beliefs. When did it start being okay for companies to have “religious beliefs?” Companies are not people. Does Hobby-Lobby also have a personality and interests? Does anyone else see how ridiculous this is?

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Saturday, March 22, 2014

HOW DARE YOU? A Tool For Bloggers

HOW DARE YOU?



This is pretty much the best statement of all time and a fabulous tool for bloggers.
Those of us who are a little more opinionated and outspoken may have had the experience of the occasional reader who comes around to talk about how offended they are that you have opinions. It goes something like this:

You are a terrible person/dumb/I can't believe you have children/ you should never say that thing you just said ever, ever again. (I'm ad-libbing).

I used to get really thrown off by the likes of these people in the beginning, then I moved to indifference. Now I have moved to HOW DARE YOU.



It's really easy to utilize this tool. All you have to do is respond to whoever you've "offended" by saying HOW DARE YOU? This confuses them. It throws them off. They think, Wait - I was offended first! But the beautiful thing is capslock HOW DARE YOU is such a strong and peculiar statement that the offended person will not know how to proceed. You're like the Bartleby of the blogging world.

I read something on Ricky Gervais' Twitter feed one day that has stuck with me. Twitter can be so profound. It was,

"Just because you're offended, doesn't mean you're right." Or something like that.
HOW DARE YOU?



Sunday, March 16, 2014

8 THINGS I LEARNED WHILE YELLING FOR THE PAST HOUR

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My editor forwarded me a nice post about a mother who whispered for a whole week and how it changed her life. I wonder if she was trying to tell me something?
Writer Vanessa Bell wonders, “How do we get to the point where our blood curdles over and we’re yelling at our kids? In an attempt to understand why I yelled, I decided to stop for a week… and try whispering instead.” She found that when she stopped yelling she had better focus, her kids had less tantrums, she was less distracted, more laid back and her kids seemed happier. I was going to try this today as a little test, but the universe wanted me to try something different – because just as I was about to start my experiment,

THE GODDAMN GARDNER SHOWED UP WITH A LEAF BLOWER. MY MOTHER IS ALREADY PRETTY HARD OF HEARING, SO WHEN I SWEETLY ASKED IF SHE COULD FEED THE BABY LUNCH, SHE SCREAMED, “WHAT?” I TRIED AGAIN, AND SHE JUST LOOKED AT ME LIKE I WAS THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE ON THE PLANET. “ARE YOU WHISPERING? WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING?” IT WAS THEN I DECIDED TO YELL FOR AN HOUR TO SEE WHERE THAT GOT ME.
FIRST OF ALL, EVERYONE IN THE HOUSE COULD HEAR ME OVER THE ANNOYING SOUNDS OF THE LEAF BLOWER, WHICH WAS A BONUS. IT ALSO SEEMED TO GIVE MY TODDLER A BURST OF ENERGY. HE WAS FILLED WITH GLEE WHEN I SCREAMED – “HEY KID! WANNA WATCH WALLYKAZAM SO YOU CAN GET OUT OF MY HAIR AND I CAN GET SOME WORK DONE?” HE SCREAMED “YEEEESSSSSSS!”
HIS FATHER CAME TO PICK HIM UP AND I SCREAMED, “HI HONEY! HE’S HAD LUNCH AND IS PROBABLY READY FOR A NAP!” HE LOOKED AT ME LIKE I WAS HIGH – AND SUGGESTED I HAVE MORE COFFEE, WHICH WAS FUNNY. I CHUCKLED. LOUDLY. MY SON WAS GODDAMN GIDDY WHEN HE LEFT THE HOUSE. HE WAS ALSO SCREAMING, BUT NOT MY PROBLEM BECAUSE HIS FATHER IS TAKING CARE OF HIM FOR THE REST OF THE DAY WHILE I WORK. SO HERE’S WHAT I LEARNED FROM AN HOUR OF YELLING:
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Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Pushing Your Kids To Be Like The Duggars And Wait Until They Are Married To Have Sex Is A Horrible Idea

I don't watch 19 Kids And Counting because I think reproducing until your penis and/or vagina simply can't do it anymore is downright irresponsible. I basically hate everything the Duggars stand for, but a woman who doesn't wrote an interesting op-ed piece about what a good idea she thinks it is that people follow in the Duggar's footsteps and wait until they get married to have sex. No it's not. It's a horrible idea, lady. I wouldn't wish that kind of awkwardness and possible disappointment on my worst enemy - let alone my own offspring.
Kacy Faulconer writes in a post for BabbleJessa Duggar Will Have A Chaste Courtship, And My Kids Will, Too:
This year’s season of 19 Kids and Counting will feature Jessa’s chaste courtship. .. Jessa and Ben have set limits on their physical relationship until they marry; their “dates” are always chaperoned, and they won’t kiss until their wedding day.
I had a chaste courtship. Well, maybe there was a bit more hugging and kissing than Jessa and Ben have decided to pursue, but it was chaste. And I expect this of my kids. I’m not repressing them. I’m freeing them. I have sons who need to learn restraint and respect. I have daughters who will be empowered by abstinence because they can simply sidestep the issues, pressures, problems, and pitfalls of promiscuity.
Let's assume for a moment that people are adults when they decide to marry, okay? This will take away some of the shock value of confidently declaring that I don't want my children to be virgins when they get married. Since I am hoping beyond hope that neither of them decide to get married until they are well into their twenties and possibly thirties - they will probably have some sexual experiences under their belts, as they should. If my daughter or son came to me when they were in their early twenties and told me they met the person they were going to marry and had decided they weren't going to have sex or even kiss that person before the wedding day, I would be a little concerned.
But the Girls Gone Wild climate of today’s youth culture is not pro-feminism. It has nothing to do with feminism. The Miley Cyrus arc of “growing up,” becoming overtly sexy and proclaiming your independence, is not progressive. Embracing the objectification of women doesn’t make you clever. You are still objectified. And that gets to the heart of what I want to teach my kids. I want them to treat people well. And I want them to be treated well. I want my daughters to date nice boys, and when my sons go on dates, I want them to be gentlemen. Rules and supervision may seem like a throwback to some people, but to me it’s just parenting.

MIchelle Duggar is just as much of an object as Miley Cyrus, as far as I'm concerned. You think Miley represents "overt sex" and I think Michelle represents "body as baby machine." As for your definition of parenting, rules and supervision are fine when your kids are young, but "parenting" is not supervising and smothering your own children into adulthood - in matters like sex and relationships. The birds leave the nest eventually. Sending the message to your young adults that "nice boys" don't have sex is pretty damaging in my opinion.
There's nothing wrong with two responsible, consenting adults having sex. I'm more concerned about my future adult children entering into a commitment that is supposed to be "forever" with someone they are unsure they are sexually compatible with. "Chaste" courtships are the ultimate in the misguided notion that sex is something to be ashamed of, avoided and feared. It's not. Approaching it like it's some scary Pandora's box isn't good for anyone.